There Is No Ending

I've had a pretty good start to my 12wbt round.

I'm 4.1kgs down in a week, I'm taking my eating and training more seriously and I've just found that determination to do it all right.  We've had an interesting week with the kids that has involved a few injuries and yes, I stumbled with my food choices, but I'm getting back on the straight and narrow the very next meal and it's paying dividends.

This morning was great. Lying in bed listening to the rain on the roof, the house still dark, talking to my husband. He hugged me and told me he was proud of me. For trying again. For putting me first.

Best. Motivation. Ever.

My husband is on my team. He's by my side. It's exactly what I need. With his ongoing support I cannot stuff this up.

.....


Had a brutal tabata training session with my PT yesterday. It was awesome. Muscles down my back are feeling stiff. I know I'll be sore tomorrow - bloody kettle bells. Totally worth it though. Should make netball training interesting tonight!

My mindset is awesome at the moment.
I'm not doing this just to lose weight.
I understand now after my gains, that this is for life.
I can't expect to keep the weight off once I get to where I want to be. I will have to work at it forever. I'm ok with it this time around. I know that this has no ending.

This is my new life and I'm so ready to embrace it.

At A Loss

I've had 3 bloody awesome days really! My eating has been fantastic and whilst yesterday was my rest day I've trained the other 2 days. I've got a netball practice match today and quite a bit of walking around to do to get the burn going again.

I'm really proud of myself. In the scheme of things 3 days isn't a lot, but for me it's everything. If I can go 3 days on the straight and narrow I can certainly do 4. If I can do 4, I can do 5. One day at a time and before I know it, it will become my new habit. Just like last time. 

I weighed myself this morning. Why? Because I haven't touched the scales in almost 2 weeks and because I want to prove to myself that this is definitely working - and it is. I'm down 3.9 kgs in the 12 days since I last weighed myself, in reality most of that loss has come since Tuesday. 

My goal for this round? I'd like to lose 15kgs overall. Something incredibly achievable for my current frame. 

I'm a bridesmaid for my sister in law's wedding on May 17th. I know it's very naughty of me, but I'd LOVE for my dress to be a little bit big for me. I can deal with that. ;) I will be the biggest in the bridal party by far, but I will have the knowledge that I am at least a bit smaller than I was going to be and that in itself will make me smile better for the photos.  10kgs gone will be my aim. 

8 weeks - 10kgs (which will then bring me to 13.9kgs lost). Very very achievable. Bring it on. ;) 

Move!

So, you know how we all have lives? We go through many ups and downs. We all have our stressors. We all have our own ways of coping when things get tough. Some of us are better at staying on the straight and narrow than others. Some of us are just born to kick arse and kick it easily whilst others are born to struggle through, fighting for every breath. Sometimes we feel like we're drowning. Sometimes we feel like no one will help us. Sometimes we won't even help ourselves!

This is where I've been.

 In 'I-couldn't-give-two-fricking-hoots-about-myself'-ville.

I've been too busy worrying about other people - family, friends, random strangers who I feel like I need to impress. I've stuffed up. I admit it. I gave up. It was all too hard. "I'm always going to be disgustingly fat so what's the point?"
Yep, that's where Ive been. Doubting myself. Not looking after myself. Shovelling in anything that makes me feel better about myself. Who was I kidding? As if food has some sort of magical power to make me a better person.
The more I've pushed my own well being aside, the more unhappy and unhealthy I've become.

I went and saw my GP this week. That in itself is not something I normally do. I usually sit back and wait until something becomes too unbearable before I give in.  I spoke to my GP about many things, including my weight. Cue horrible, horrible donkey-sounding, gasping water works. We discussed me undergoing weight loss surgery. WLS is something I've been looking into since before my very first round of 12wbt. It scared the shit out of me back then. I got to the point where I have seriously been considering it. Some amazing friends are undergoing incredible transformations due to WLS. Honestly - I'm jealous. I want that to be me.

For some stupid reason WLS seems an easy road when you don't dig very deep in to what it involves.  I know just how incredibly tough it is after hearing from friends and acquaintances what they have to go through. These are amazing people! I'm so proud of them.
Anyway, it was decided by my GP (realistically, it was my decision. I think I was looking for an out) that I try the diet and exercise route after absolutely smashing it last time. I mean, 40kgs lost is no mean feat! And it really wasn't THAT hard.
At the time of the appointment I was heartbroken. I felt like my life was going to end. I was destined to be THIS for the rest of my life. Those old demons came up.

But then, something must have happened. It felt like a light going on.
Instead of heading for the nearest takeaway shop, I went and bought some new workout clothes. Instead of gorging on chocolate, I high tailed it to the nearest salad bar for lunch. My grocery shopping adventure saw much more greenery and much less crappery. I was so upset, but I was doing all the right things. It was happening without even a second thought. Automatically. Hang on, maybe I CAN do this!

I feel more ready to take this on than I have since I lost the initial 40kgs. I know how much hard work goes into it. How to eat and drink. How to react when shiz go cray-cray. I know what to expect.

So here I am. I've signed up for the 12wbt move program. I'm determined to follow the nutrition plan more closely this time. Training is not an issue for me as I'm still quite heavily involved (pardon the pun) in several group activities, but I'm making time to fit more in.

It's time to walk the talk. Do the hard yards and reap the rewards. I want to be here in 10 years, in 20. I want to see grand kids and even great grand kids. I want to be able to do anything I want to and not be held back by my weight any longer. It's time.

Fighting fit - but still a work in progress.

Today I had to undergo a full medical to satisfy my new life insurance company. I know that I'm quite healthy, especially for someone of my stature but it still hurts that someone can decide that they think you're a huge liability because of a few numbers... Noone else to blame for it though and that's how business works. I'm cool with it.

It was really good to have a full check up as I haven't had one done for a VERY long time. I had blood tests, urine analysis, measurements, weight, BP... you name it. While I'm still rather heavy (which we ALL know), I'm perfectly healthy (pending the blood test results, but I am positive they will come back all clear).

A really exciting thing for me was my resting heart rate. I remember in my first round within a few days of getting my Polar HR monitor, heading to the 12wbt forums and asking about my resting heart rate. I hadn't cheked it properly and for some reason I thought it was 130bpm!! Someone answered that I certainly was doing the right thing if that was my resting HR.. I agree!!
In fact, my resting HR when I checked it properly was over 90bpm... I think it was 95bpm. At least it wasn't over 100bpm, but I still knew it was rather high and not doing my body any good at all.
Today my resting HR was..... 66bpm!! That sounds like the HR of a super fit person! I was pretty excited about that, particularly because I've not been training hard all year like I would have had I not succumb to the injury, but I'm certainly heading in the right direction again :)

My GP's scales also had me at 3.2kgs less than last Wednesday's weigh in. It will be interesting to see what my scales say tomorrow. I'm confident they will say I'm about 3kgs heavier than my GP's. LOL It was nice to weigh in at that when I'd given the company a weight that was almost 4 kgs heavier.

I didn't have a great weekend. Birthdays, days out, tennis (and the AMAZING afternoon teas that accompany it)... I didn't make the greatest choices BUT, I am as of today. I've been a water guzzling machine and my treat meal to myself after having to fast for these blood tests was a salad wrap and water. ;)

I'm getting comments about how good I'm looking which I really shouldn't be getting just yet.... but it's nice to hear all the same. I'm hoping to hear lots more over the next 11 weeks.

My motivation levels aren't as high as my very first round. I was so very excited back then with a totally new program unlike anything I'd tried before. Now, I'm a bit of an old hand even if I haven't followed it correctly the entire time, I know what to do and what's expected. I am determined to make this round count though. I want to lose at least 10kgs.... lets see how I go.

Until next time.

xx

A f(l)at day

So things have been going really well for me so far. Whilst I'm not following the nutrition plan 100%, I am making really good food choices. If I happen to make a bad choice, I make sure that the rest of my day works in with that choice to keep my cals low. It's still a work in progress.... I'm starting all over again like it's my very first round.

My training has been really good. Tuesday was my rest day although my DD (dear daughter) and I were out and about for a large majority of it. We had lots of shopping to do and my first point of call was Virtu to check out their active wear range. I don't think I can say it enough - AMAZING!! I grabbed a couple of pairs of 3/4 pants and they are just so comfortable! I then went to Big W to grab some One Active pieces, but our local store is very light on when it comes to the plus size section which is extremely disappointing. Ah well next time.

Today I'm feeling a bit flat. I haven't trained yet, I'm feeling rather tired and just a bit blah. I'm making sure I eat really well still as I know it's so much more about what I eat than how hard I train.


......

So why did I come back for round 4? I completed round 3 2011 and smashed it. There was no round 4 last year, so I had to navigate the holiday period on my own which I didn't do very well. I joined round 1 this year and only gave it a half arsed effort. I joined round 2 and gave up after a week. The injury has a lot to do with it, but it's more my mindset than anything else. I'd already lost 40kgs. WOW! 40kgs!! My mind still hadn't caught up to my body, but I was enjoying my new 3-4 sizes smaller clothing. I'd told myself in light of the injury that it would be good for me to sit at that weight for a while and enjoy it. A bit of a cop out really - I just couldn't train as hard as I wanted and I gave up. For what? I ended up gaining some of that weight I'd worked hard to lose and feeling worse about myself than ever before.

A little while ago our personal circumstances changed so hubby and I looked into other options for life insurance etc. It's SO depressing having to tell someone over the phone your weight. I know had I have been 30kgs lighter it wouldn't have been so hard.
Due to my weight, I've not been automatically accepted and I'm having to go and have some tests done to satisfy the company. I was devastated when they told me - I knew instantly it was because of my weight. Well, that big slap in the face was just what I needed to get myself back on track. I couldn't let a number dictate whether a company was going to value my life to be a certain amount of dollars, or nothing because they refused to insure me!! So ever since I've worked hard and eaten really well. I've been rewarded with a huge loss in the first week that I started. I'm planning on that continuing.

Another reason I joined? This photo -

Yes I'm the goose with the bag on my head!! 

This photo had me in tears for around 6 hours. This photo is me - 34kgs lighter than I was in August last year, but STILL HUGE!! I cannot get over how horrible I look. It hurts so much seeing pictures of myself and I know it has to change. I'm 30 next year. I have 2 young children and a husband who I adore. I have so much to live for and yet I kill myself with food?? So much for being an intelligent person. 

Once I saw this photo and a few others (along with the fact that the singlet I was given was too small and I was the only one over the whole weekend who couldn't wear it. I was so embarrassed yet just brushed it off like it was nothing.) I knew it was time. I'd done well to get to where I was, but there was just so much further to go. 

I think that's the hardest part for me. To know that I've lost huge numbers, but that I'm not even half way to where I want to be. And I don't want to weigh anything silly like 60kgs - for my frame that is just not possible. I just want to be proud of myself. To finish what I've set out to do. To love myself even just a little. To have a body part that I don't loathe. To be the real ME! 

.......


Photos and my 1km time trial are tomorrow. The photos are not going to be pretty but they NEED to happen. I know how much more motivated I become once I've seen just how big I really am. It's sad that that is what it takes to get me to work, but that's unfortunately how I operate at the moment. Hopefully with the loss of the weight will come the gain of some self loving. We'll see.

I get knocked down, but I get up again..

To say it's been a while is a total understatement. To say things have gone well - total overstatement.

The injury I received in April has really been rough and knocked me around quite a bit, along with one crazy hectic volunteering phase that's slowing down now before it kicks off again in the new year.

I've let excuse after excuse stop me from completing what I set out to do in August 2011. The injury was reasonably severe and I am still having problems with it to this day which is SUPER frustrating. I'm so scared of re injuring myself which is such a mind f*&^!!! It's really held me back.

I've let the crappy foods back into my house and back into my diet. I haven't gotten to the point I was before I lost the weight with 12wbt, but I certainly was on my way there. Why I allowed myself to do this I'll never really know. Perhaps it was a bit of depression creeping back in, perhaps I had just given up. It's over and done with now because I've finally decided that this is no way to live anymore. I refuse to let this injury rule my life. Now is the time to get back into the swing of things and lose this weight that I've been so desperate to get off.

I have approximately 47kgs to lose. I've gained approx 8kgs since April which I'm really disappointed about.   I hate that I'll have to go back and lose weight that I had already shed, but what's done is done. I can only really go down (on the scales) from here.

I have signed up for round 4. My motivator were some photos of myself on our end of season netball trip. As horrible as it is (and still being 30kgs down from my start weight) I feel just as big as I did at my heaviest. I'm not prepared to feel like this anymore.

A good friend has joined the program and whilst she doesn't have as much to lose as I do, I feel like she will be a great support as she's so close to where I live. We will be able to motivate each other.
There's also my local group of 12wbters who are amazing and smash these crazy goals I could only wish to achieve.

I'm determined to do what I did in my very first round of the 12wbt last year. To write in my blog often. To complete all tasks asked of me. To find my love of exercise and to say NO to the shit in my house/when out. Noone else can do this for me. Noone else wants this for me as much as I do. No point sitting on my ever expanding arse and waiting for something to happen as I know from previous experience - IT WON'T!!!

Today I completed a 6.6km fun run. I may not have run the entire 6.6kms, but considering I was going to give up after 3.3kms due to my injury, I'm pretty proud. I'm so disappointed and frustrated that I couldn't run the entire way as this time last year I could have. I hate that I've allowed this injury to put me back so far. Not any more!!

I've had my 6 months off. I've had fun. I've shown myself how NOT to live. I know what to do. I know how much I want the weight off. I've seen incredible friends and their AMAZING transformations and sat here behind my screen so elated for them, but so jealous. Jealous that they had the guts and determination to do what I didn't. I'm so very proud of them and they deserve all of the accolades they receive. They inspire me daily to be a better person and show me that it IS possible!!

So, this is it. My goal is to reach 85kgs by July 20 2013 for my 30th birthday. I want to look and feel amazing. I'm sick of being the biggest person in the room. The 'fat' friend. I'm sick of feeling so defensive about my size after all of the looks I get. I want to fit into the 'normal' sized clothing stores. I want to buy nice clothes!! I want to be fit. I want to be able to run. I want to be an amazing role model for my kids and I want people to look at me and say 'Wow! She's worked so hard and she looks amazing'. I want that for me.

I will come in from time to time and make some excuse or whinge or have a little 'depression session' and have no faith in myself. Please feel free to slap that shit out of me (with the written word obviously). I need every push I can possibly get. When I know I've got people relying on me, supporting me and encouraging me, I can do amazing things.

Until next time xx

Struggle street

I don't know how it happens. One minute, your head is exactly where it needs to be. You do everything within your power to do what you need to to get the results you want, so many cheers and compliments from friends and accquaintances, you feel so much better and then one little thing knocks you out of that 'zone' ...... it can just be so very hard to get back to where you were when you started.

I a struggling again. I'm not putting in 100% so I'm not seeing the results. I don't know why I should think any differently... if I don't make the effort how can I possibly expect to see any results?

I could use the excuse that I'm still recovering from this knee injury... I really am. BUT it doesn't excuse the poor food choices. I have to take ownership of those. Don't get me wrong, I've come a LONG way from where I was 10 months ago, but there's still a long way to go yet.

The exercise I'm getting back into. I attended my first bootcamp in over 2 months yesterday and I remembered how much I love getting my backside whipped! I played netball. I did a bit of netball training and tomorrow is my kinder walk (about 2 hours while my youngest is at kinder) and strength training class. Not enjoying the winter darkness every morning, but planning on getting a head lamp thing to wear so I can't use that as an excuse.

Slowly I know my eating will fall into place. It will follow my training. There's not really any junk in my house. I've got to get stuck into this water thing again and just start owning my my choices. Now or NEVER woman!!!!!