There Is No Ending

I've had a pretty good start to my 12wbt round.

I'm 4.1kgs down in a week, I'm taking my eating and training more seriously and I've just found that determination to do it all right.  We've had an interesting week with the kids that has involved a few injuries and yes, I stumbled with my food choices, but I'm getting back on the straight and narrow the very next meal and it's paying dividends.

This morning was great. Lying in bed listening to the rain on the roof, the house still dark, talking to my husband. He hugged me and told me he was proud of me. For trying again. For putting me first.

Best. Motivation. Ever.

My husband is on my team. He's by my side. It's exactly what I need. With his ongoing support I cannot stuff this up.

.....


Had a brutal tabata training session with my PT yesterday. It was awesome. Muscles down my back are feeling stiff. I know I'll be sore tomorrow - bloody kettle bells. Totally worth it though. Should make netball training interesting tonight!

My mindset is awesome at the moment.
I'm not doing this just to lose weight.
I understand now after my gains, that this is for life.
I can't expect to keep the weight off once I get to where I want to be. I will have to work at it forever. I'm ok with it this time around. I know that this has no ending.

This is my new life and I'm so ready to embrace it.

At A Loss

I've had 3 bloody awesome days really! My eating has been fantastic and whilst yesterday was my rest day I've trained the other 2 days. I've got a netball practice match today and quite a bit of walking around to do to get the burn going again.

I'm really proud of myself. In the scheme of things 3 days isn't a lot, but for me it's everything. If I can go 3 days on the straight and narrow I can certainly do 4. If I can do 4, I can do 5. One day at a time and before I know it, it will become my new habit. Just like last time. 

I weighed myself this morning. Why? Because I haven't touched the scales in almost 2 weeks and because I want to prove to myself that this is definitely working - and it is. I'm down 3.9 kgs in the 12 days since I last weighed myself, in reality most of that loss has come since Tuesday. 

My goal for this round? I'd like to lose 15kgs overall. Something incredibly achievable for my current frame. 

I'm a bridesmaid for my sister in law's wedding on May 17th. I know it's very naughty of me, but I'd LOVE for my dress to be a little bit big for me. I can deal with that. ;) I will be the biggest in the bridal party by far, but I will have the knowledge that I am at least a bit smaller than I was going to be and that in itself will make me smile better for the photos.  10kgs gone will be my aim. 

8 weeks - 10kgs (which will then bring me to 13.9kgs lost). Very very achievable. Bring it on. ;) 

Move!

So, you know how we all have lives? We go through many ups and downs. We all have our stressors. We all have our own ways of coping when things get tough. Some of us are better at staying on the straight and narrow than others. Some of us are just born to kick arse and kick it easily whilst others are born to struggle through, fighting for every breath. Sometimes we feel like we're drowning. Sometimes we feel like no one will help us. Sometimes we won't even help ourselves!

This is where I've been.

 In 'I-couldn't-give-two-fricking-hoots-about-myself'-ville.

I've been too busy worrying about other people - family, friends, random strangers who I feel like I need to impress. I've stuffed up. I admit it. I gave up. It was all too hard. "I'm always going to be disgustingly fat so what's the point?"
Yep, that's where Ive been. Doubting myself. Not looking after myself. Shovelling in anything that makes me feel better about myself. Who was I kidding? As if food has some sort of magical power to make me a better person.
The more I've pushed my own well being aside, the more unhappy and unhealthy I've become.

I went and saw my GP this week. That in itself is not something I normally do. I usually sit back and wait until something becomes too unbearable before I give in.  I spoke to my GP about many things, including my weight. Cue horrible, horrible donkey-sounding, gasping water works. We discussed me undergoing weight loss surgery. WLS is something I've been looking into since before my very first round of 12wbt. It scared the shit out of me back then. I got to the point where I have seriously been considering it. Some amazing friends are undergoing incredible transformations due to WLS. Honestly - I'm jealous. I want that to be me.

For some stupid reason WLS seems an easy road when you don't dig very deep in to what it involves.  I know just how incredibly tough it is after hearing from friends and acquaintances what they have to go through. These are amazing people! I'm so proud of them.
Anyway, it was decided by my GP (realistically, it was my decision. I think I was looking for an out) that I try the diet and exercise route after absolutely smashing it last time. I mean, 40kgs lost is no mean feat! And it really wasn't THAT hard.
At the time of the appointment I was heartbroken. I felt like my life was going to end. I was destined to be THIS for the rest of my life. Those old demons came up.

But then, something must have happened. It felt like a light going on.
Instead of heading for the nearest takeaway shop, I went and bought some new workout clothes. Instead of gorging on chocolate, I high tailed it to the nearest salad bar for lunch. My grocery shopping adventure saw much more greenery and much less crappery. I was so upset, but I was doing all the right things. It was happening without even a second thought. Automatically. Hang on, maybe I CAN do this!

I feel more ready to take this on than I have since I lost the initial 40kgs. I know how much hard work goes into it. How to eat and drink. How to react when shiz go cray-cray. I know what to expect.

So here I am. I've signed up for the 12wbt move program. I'm determined to follow the nutrition plan more closely this time. Training is not an issue for me as I'm still quite heavily involved (pardon the pun) in several group activities, but I'm making time to fit more in.

It's time to walk the talk. Do the hard yards and reap the rewards. I want to be here in 10 years, in 20. I want to see grand kids and even great grand kids. I want to be able to do anything I want to and not be held back by my weight any longer. It's time.

Fighting fit - but still a work in progress.

Today I had to undergo a full medical to satisfy my new life insurance company. I know that I'm quite healthy, especially for someone of my stature but it still hurts that someone can decide that they think you're a huge liability because of a few numbers... Noone else to blame for it though and that's how business works. I'm cool with it.

It was really good to have a full check up as I haven't had one done for a VERY long time. I had blood tests, urine analysis, measurements, weight, BP... you name it. While I'm still rather heavy (which we ALL know), I'm perfectly healthy (pending the blood test results, but I am positive they will come back all clear).

A really exciting thing for me was my resting heart rate. I remember in my first round within a few days of getting my Polar HR monitor, heading to the 12wbt forums and asking about my resting heart rate. I hadn't cheked it properly and for some reason I thought it was 130bpm!! Someone answered that I certainly was doing the right thing if that was my resting HR.. I agree!!
In fact, my resting HR when I checked it properly was over 90bpm... I think it was 95bpm. At least it wasn't over 100bpm, but I still knew it was rather high and not doing my body any good at all.
Today my resting HR was..... 66bpm!! That sounds like the HR of a super fit person! I was pretty excited about that, particularly because I've not been training hard all year like I would have had I not succumb to the injury, but I'm certainly heading in the right direction again :)

My GP's scales also had me at 3.2kgs less than last Wednesday's weigh in. It will be interesting to see what my scales say tomorrow. I'm confident they will say I'm about 3kgs heavier than my GP's. LOL It was nice to weigh in at that when I'd given the company a weight that was almost 4 kgs heavier.

I didn't have a great weekend. Birthdays, days out, tennis (and the AMAZING afternoon teas that accompany it)... I didn't make the greatest choices BUT, I am as of today. I've been a water guzzling machine and my treat meal to myself after having to fast for these blood tests was a salad wrap and water. ;)

I'm getting comments about how good I'm looking which I really shouldn't be getting just yet.... but it's nice to hear all the same. I'm hoping to hear lots more over the next 11 weeks.

My motivation levels aren't as high as my very first round. I was so very excited back then with a totally new program unlike anything I'd tried before. Now, I'm a bit of an old hand even if I haven't followed it correctly the entire time, I know what to do and what's expected. I am determined to make this round count though. I want to lose at least 10kgs.... lets see how I go.

Until next time.

xx

A f(l)at day

So things have been going really well for me so far. Whilst I'm not following the nutrition plan 100%, I am making really good food choices. If I happen to make a bad choice, I make sure that the rest of my day works in with that choice to keep my cals low. It's still a work in progress.... I'm starting all over again like it's my very first round.

My training has been really good. Tuesday was my rest day although my DD (dear daughter) and I were out and about for a large majority of it. We had lots of shopping to do and my first point of call was Virtu to check out their active wear range. I don't think I can say it enough - AMAZING!! I grabbed a couple of pairs of 3/4 pants and they are just so comfortable! I then went to Big W to grab some One Active pieces, but our local store is very light on when it comes to the plus size section which is extremely disappointing. Ah well next time.

Today I'm feeling a bit flat. I haven't trained yet, I'm feeling rather tired and just a bit blah. I'm making sure I eat really well still as I know it's so much more about what I eat than how hard I train.


......

So why did I come back for round 4? I completed round 3 2011 and smashed it. There was no round 4 last year, so I had to navigate the holiday period on my own which I didn't do very well. I joined round 1 this year and only gave it a half arsed effort. I joined round 2 and gave up after a week. The injury has a lot to do with it, but it's more my mindset than anything else. I'd already lost 40kgs. WOW! 40kgs!! My mind still hadn't caught up to my body, but I was enjoying my new 3-4 sizes smaller clothing. I'd told myself in light of the injury that it would be good for me to sit at that weight for a while and enjoy it. A bit of a cop out really - I just couldn't train as hard as I wanted and I gave up. For what? I ended up gaining some of that weight I'd worked hard to lose and feeling worse about myself than ever before.

A little while ago our personal circumstances changed so hubby and I looked into other options for life insurance etc. It's SO depressing having to tell someone over the phone your weight. I know had I have been 30kgs lighter it wouldn't have been so hard.
Due to my weight, I've not been automatically accepted and I'm having to go and have some tests done to satisfy the company. I was devastated when they told me - I knew instantly it was because of my weight. Well, that big slap in the face was just what I needed to get myself back on track. I couldn't let a number dictate whether a company was going to value my life to be a certain amount of dollars, or nothing because they refused to insure me!! So ever since I've worked hard and eaten really well. I've been rewarded with a huge loss in the first week that I started. I'm planning on that continuing.

Another reason I joined? This photo -

Yes I'm the goose with the bag on my head!! 

This photo had me in tears for around 6 hours. This photo is me - 34kgs lighter than I was in August last year, but STILL HUGE!! I cannot get over how horrible I look. It hurts so much seeing pictures of myself and I know it has to change. I'm 30 next year. I have 2 young children and a husband who I adore. I have so much to live for and yet I kill myself with food?? So much for being an intelligent person. 

Once I saw this photo and a few others (along with the fact that the singlet I was given was too small and I was the only one over the whole weekend who couldn't wear it. I was so embarrassed yet just brushed it off like it was nothing.) I knew it was time. I'd done well to get to where I was, but there was just so much further to go. 

I think that's the hardest part for me. To know that I've lost huge numbers, but that I'm not even half way to where I want to be. And I don't want to weigh anything silly like 60kgs - for my frame that is just not possible. I just want to be proud of myself. To finish what I've set out to do. To love myself even just a little. To have a body part that I don't loathe. To be the real ME! 

.......


Photos and my 1km time trial are tomorrow. The photos are not going to be pretty but they NEED to happen. I know how much more motivated I become once I've seen just how big I really am. It's sad that that is what it takes to get me to work, but that's unfortunately how I operate at the moment. Hopefully with the loss of the weight will come the gain of some self loving. We'll see.

I get knocked down, but I get up again..

To say it's been a while is a total understatement. To say things have gone well - total overstatement.

The injury I received in April has really been rough and knocked me around quite a bit, along with one crazy hectic volunteering phase that's slowing down now before it kicks off again in the new year.

I've let excuse after excuse stop me from completing what I set out to do in August 2011. The injury was reasonably severe and I am still having problems with it to this day which is SUPER frustrating. I'm so scared of re injuring myself which is such a mind f*&^!!! It's really held me back.

I've let the crappy foods back into my house and back into my diet. I haven't gotten to the point I was before I lost the weight with 12wbt, but I certainly was on my way there. Why I allowed myself to do this I'll never really know. Perhaps it was a bit of depression creeping back in, perhaps I had just given up. It's over and done with now because I've finally decided that this is no way to live anymore. I refuse to let this injury rule my life. Now is the time to get back into the swing of things and lose this weight that I've been so desperate to get off.

I have approximately 47kgs to lose. I've gained approx 8kgs since April which I'm really disappointed about.   I hate that I'll have to go back and lose weight that I had already shed, but what's done is done. I can only really go down (on the scales) from here.

I have signed up for round 4. My motivator were some photos of myself on our end of season netball trip. As horrible as it is (and still being 30kgs down from my start weight) I feel just as big as I did at my heaviest. I'm not prepared to feel like this anymore.

A good friend has joined the program and whilst she doesn't have as much to lose as I do, I feel like she will be a great support as she's so close to where I live. We will be able to motivate each other.
There's also my local group of 12wbters who are amazing and smash these crazy goals I could only wish to achieve.

I'm determined to do what I did in my very first round of the 12wbt last year. To write in my blog often. To complete all tasks asked of me. To find my love of exercise and to say NO to the shit in my house/when out. Noone else can do this for me. Noone else wants this for me as much as I do. No point sitting on my ever expanding arse and waiting for something to happen as I know from previous experience - IT WON'T!!!

Today I completed a 6.6km fun run. I may not have run the entire 6.6kms, but considering I was going to give up after 3.3kms due to my injury, I'm pretty proud. I'm so disappointed and frustrated that I couldn't run the entire way as this time last year I could have. I hate that I've allowed this injury to put me back so far. Not any more!!

I've had my 6 months off. I've had fun. I've shown myself how NOT to live. I know what to do. I know how much I want the weight off. I've seen incredible friends and their AMAZING transformations and sat here behind my screen so elated for them, but so jealous. Jealous that they had the guts and determination to do what I didn't. I'm so very proud of them and they deserve all of the accolades they receive. They inspire me daily to be a better person and show me that it IS possible!!

So, this is it. My goal is to reach 85kgs by July 20 2013 for my 30th birthday. I want to look and feel amazing. I'm sick of being the biggest person in the room. The 'fat' friend. I'm sick of feeling so defensive about my size after all of the looks I get. I want to fit into the 'normal' sized clothing stores. I want to buy nice clothes!! I want to be fit. I want to be able to run. I want to be an amazing role model for my kids and I want people to look at me and say 'Wow! She's worked so hard and she looks amazing'. I want that for me.

I will come in from time to time and make some excuse or whinge or have a little 'depression session' and have no faith in myself. Please feel free to slap that shit out of me (with the written word obviously). I need every push I can possibly get. When I know I've got people relying on me, supporting me and encouraging me, I can do amazing things.

Until next time xx

Struggle street

I don't know how it happens. One minute, your head is exactly where it needs to be. You do everything within your power to do what you need to to get the results you want, so many cheers and compliments from friends and accquaintances, you feel so much better and then one little thing knocks you out of that 'zone' ...... it can just be so very hard to get back to where you were when you started.

I a struggling again. I'm not putting in 100% so I'm not seeing the results. I don't know why I should think any differently... if I don't make the effort how can I possibly expect to see any results?

I could use the excuse that I'm still recovering from this knee injury... I really am. BUT it doesn't excuse the poor food choices. I have to take ownership of those. Don't get me wrong, I've come a LONG way from where I was 10 months ago, but there's still a long way to go yet.

The exercise I'm getting back into. I attended my first bootcamp in over 2 months yesterday and I remembered how much I love getting my backside whipped! I played netball. I did a bit of netball training and tomorrow is my kinder walk (about 2 hours while my youngest is at kinder) and strength training class. Not enjoying the winter darkness every morning, but planning on getting a head lamp thing to wear so I can't use that as an excuse.

Slowly I know my eating will fall into place. It will follow my training. There's not really any junk in my house. I've got to get stuck into this water thing again and just start owning my my choices. Now or NEVER woman!!!!!

Blogger Challenge - Week 1

Have just come across this on Jayne's BLOG and thought I'd give it a decent go this round.
A blogger challenge is just a bit of fun, with the someone asking a question or a topic every week and those doing the challege answer it on their own blogs and then link them around to each other.

Week 1 - Introduction

• Introduce yourself? Tell us why are your here? 
• Why did you decide to join round 2 of Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation? 
• How have you prepared for the challenge? 

(In my best AA voice) Hi! I'm Nicky and I'm obese....
I started round 3 last year at 163kgs in preseason and ended up losing 27.5kgs. I was absolutely stoked and knew I'd found the program for me. I joined round 1 this year but had done so much damage to my mindset and eating habits over the Christmas Period that I really struggled and didn't get very far, only losing a handful of kgs. After meeting some amazing people at the Finale Party, I was determined to get this weight off. I initially wasn't going to join this round, but then decided that I NEEDED it,  I needed the mindset help and the support of the program so I jumped right back in.
I've not really needed to prepare too much. I know what's involved, but unlike last round I made sure I completed the pre season tasks. I know how important those and the videos are after not really giving them the time of day last round. I'm determined to return to clean eating and now that my injury is nearly at full use, my training will be cranked out big time this round. :)


Thanks Jayne for starting this challenge. I've been waiting to see if anyone was doing one that I could take part in.

Jump on in readers and participate. It's quite interesting reading what others are doing and have gone through.
Jump on over to Jayne's BLOG and join in the fun!

I love DOMS

So I'm doing pretty well, but there's room for improvement. My water intake certainly needs some work and these stupid fundraising chocolates have gotten the better of me once or twice, but NO MORE!

The positives - My training!! I've missed it like mad for 6 weeks and this week I finally have DOMS! I LOVE DOMS! Means I've worked hard.
Tonight is netball training and while I'm not technically supposed to play, I will do a fair amount of the training tonight and see how my leg goes. I may even have to play on the weekend to cover a few girls who cannot, but that's fine with me :)

I've not been following calories so much and I think that in order to get the results I want, I need to start doing it. I had a gain this week - all of 600 grams. It's really nothing in the scheme of things and it was only 2 days in between. I'm not going to let that rule me. I had only started training the day before for the first time in nearly 6 weeks and I know that that will have something to do with it. Push on!

I'm doing a 10km fun run this weekend. Ok, I'll really be walking most of it, but I will pull out a few short jogs to test this knee. I don't care how long it takes, as long as I finish! I'm really looking forward to it, and to getting back into the real hard core activities I used to do.

Am loving my local FB 12wbt group this week! They are all such amazing women and I really feel lucky to have their incredible support. We may not be huge like a capital city group, but we all get along so well and everyone has such fantastic advice. I really love that I have people who are reasonably local to me that I can chat to and catch up with on the odd occasion.

So, onwards and upwards. My goal for the next week is to drink AT LEAST 2 litres of water every single day. It makes me feel so much better when I do. I guess the cold weather doesn't make me feel quite as thirsty, but it's something I have to do.

Bring on weigh in next week and a drop in the numbers!! :)

Round 2, Day 1

And it's off to a really good start. Had a good breakfast, ran DD to kinder and then DS and I went to some local tennis courts where he played on the playground and I walked... and walked and walked. Due to the nature of my injury, I'm still unable to run (waiting for physio's ok). I'm really keen to get back into running, but I am NOT keen to derail my recovery so I'll wait as long as I have to before I get right back into everything again. Anyway, 1hr40mins and 612cals later and my tendon is feeling fine. :)

There's a 10kms fun run this weekend that I want to do. I'll be walking it, and maybe mixing a tiny bit of shuffling in there.This week I'll be concentrating on training my leg up ready to complete it. If on Saturday morning it's not feeling up to it, I won't risk it but I'm REALLY hoping it's all good to go.

Strength training tonight. Really looking forward to being able to actually complete a full session tonight and the accompanying DOMS that I'm sure to suffer from tomorrow.

I feel stronger this round. I feel like I can do it. I have faith in myself. This is a chance I'm not going to let pass me by. Here's to week 1 being amazing!

Awkward...

When you put on your bra to it's tightest setting... and your boobs fall out the bottom. Yes, it's probably time to get some new bras.... #awkward!!

NOW I remember those squats...

A day after doing a piddly 30 squats (super low ones to really test the knee out ;)) and 30 lunges and I can feel it. That is REALLY scary as that is absolutely NOTHING in comparison to what I was doing before I got my injury. I'm quite scared now to go back to boot camp and PT next week. Best get hubby onto some massage...

My number 1 tip - Don't stop training!!! EVER!!! You lose your fitness SO quickly. It's going to take me ages to build back up to where I was, but I'll get there!!

Super excited about squats and lunges - No, I haven't gone completely bonkers!

Good news!!
My knee/hamstring tendon/surrounding muscles have improved enough to the point where I can now lunge and squat without pain!! I'm SO excited!! I've been walking without a limp for one whole week which has been great, but getting the news from the physio that I can no go back to training (not running just yet) has made my fricking year!!

Not being able to run, play netball, do bootcamp or any of my classes for 5 full weeks now has really not done me any favours. I've been very lucky in that I haven't gained weight. I haven't eaten well though and I assume that my metabolism has just sped up and been able to cope with a few weeks of shit. Thankfully!
Now, I'm going to get right back into training - HARD CORE

I start off with longer walks - 3-5kms building up to 6-7kms before I do a 10km fun run (which I will walk) on June 10th. I have sets os squats and lunges and hamstring strengthening exercises to do several times a day and all going well, I get to hop back on the netball court in 3 weeks!! Gosh I feel like I've been away from exercise for months! I know my fitness levels will have taken a massive hit even though I've been doing little things that I could (boxing etc) while I've been off, but I'm prepared to put in the work to get back where I was.

I'm fricking stoked though!! Bring on the blood, sweat and tears (minus a little blood).

Just makes me even more determined to kick some arse this round.

Different

It feels different this time around.

Round 2 is MY round. I can feel it. Even if I don't crack the 20kgs lost, I will still kick some butt and I know I WILL crack it soon after.

I'm drinking tonnes of water. I'm aiming for at least 2.5 litres a day at the moment. I'm trying really hard to make good food choices. I'm actively thinking about what I should put in my body. I have had a couple of slip ups but that's ok.... it took me years to get to this point. My head is going to be the hardest thing to fix.

I've has a bowl of salad for lunch today. Yes I added some light mayo and a sprinkle of cheese, but in comparison to what I've been having it was actually really very good. I've already got dinner organised in my head which I'll begin cooking soon before I have to duck out for a meeting at a pub where we were offered a meal, but I turned down. I don't need it, it will only hinder my progress and I WANT to eat as cleanly as I can when I can help it.

I nearly feel as dedicated as I was my first round (round 3, 2011 where I lost 27.5kgs from day 1 of preseason until the final weigh in).

I know once I can start running and weight bearing on my dodgy leg, things will certainly go in the right direction. I cannot WAIT to hit the netball court and get back to my hard core training again.


I like where my head is at. Sure I can certainly improve things, but it's definitely heading in thee right direction.

Less to lose than I already have!

Yes I've finally hit THAT milestone... I've now lost more than I still need to lose (if that makes any sense at all! haha).
Today, I hit the 40kgs lost mark. I now have 38kgs to lose to reach my goal weight!! Very exciting!

I've been so close to this day for a long time now and it's nice to finally see the scales moving in the right direction.

Hubby and I have found our motivation and determination and we're ready to kick round 2 ass!

                                        10 months & 40kgs difference (me last night on the right)

I had an AMAZING night last night with my local girls. Another local 12wbter and I organised a cocktail party to celebrate each other and it was a fantastic night! We seem to all get along really well and it's so nice having people that can relate to what I'm going through, to motivate and encourage me and be so close (well, as close as can be when I live here in the middle of nowhere!).

I've just had an awesome weekend. My eating (apart from last night and today) has been really good, my water uptake has increased a heap and I'm feeling better already. I cannot WAIT to get back into running and really busting my backside to burn off some calories.

I've got a good feeling about this round.

Round 2 here we come!!

It's ON!! I just signed up for round 2!!

Hubby and I were talking last night and he was saying how he wants to lose some more weight. How he's disappointed with the last few months and he feels like he's gained. It's exactly how I feel, so I jumped in.

I know how hard I have to work and I know I need the help to get there. I've got hubby and our supportive families behind us and It's ON!!

20kgs be gone by August. It WILL happen and you can watch it all take place right here!

I'm not going to let anything get in my way this time.

So on the weekend, I got to attend the round 1 finale party and workout in Melbourne. I'd been so excited at the prospect of being able to catch up with people I'd been chatting to for many months now. It was a fantastic weekend apart from the fact that my original guest injured her back at a last minute training session late on Friday morning (2 hours before we were due to leave) and was unable to attend. I did got onto my Mum though who I stole from work 4 hours early and dragged down for a weekend. ;)

Unfortunately due to my hamstring tendon still not being where it needs to be, I couldn't do the workout. I watched while my Mum and many many girls who have been so inspirational toughed it out. I am sad that I missed it though.

The finale party that night was great, although was soured by the long wait to get in (was expecting a bit of a wait, but it took us 45 mins in a line before we got in) and extreme rudeness from a group of 'ladies' (I use the term loosely) who abused us while they jumped out of line for photos and we stepped forward. Apart from being very rude, they were then rather pushy and found their way in ahead of us (I'm not one who enjoys confrontation so just let them go). It really soured the evening for us and we weren't able to enjoy it as much as we would have lied to.

The plaza ballroom was gorgeous. I'm so sad that I couldn't find any of my local 12wbters due to the lack of service for our phones down there, but I did get to mingle (not for long enough) with many many ladies who I'd been dying to meet. Was a great night and one that I'd head to again in the future.

So where am I at now? I'm still pretty much out with this tendon stuff, although just starting to walk reasonable distances. A veyr slow build up to make sure that my knee and leg are coping ok with it. I'm not keen to push too hard and render myself useless for however many more weeks again. I'm planning a 10km fun run (which I'll walk and possibly jog a tiny bit of after physio advice) on June 10th which will be my first major exercise achievement in well over 2 months. I'm also hoping by the end of June to get back to netball again... I've been unable to play this season so far and we started mid April!!

Weight wise I've not done too badly. I've let the fact I can't train and the ensuing depression it brings really affect my diet to the point where I'm not even thinking about what I'm putting in my mouth. I'm very lucky that I've not really gained anything and am floating around the same weight I was when I injured myself.
I've got to be pretty happy with that!

After my weekend away I felt different. Although I've come along way weight loss and fitness wise, I still felt out of place. I still felt massively huge. I felt like I'd not lost anything (logically I know I've lost a LOT, but the mind games I play with myself never let me think about things logically these days). I felt like I was the biggest person at the finale party on Saturday night. I felt gross in my gorgeous dress I was excited to wear. It was a real kick in the guts but also a real eye opener - I may have come a fair way, but there's still an ever further way to go.

So when I got back to B town on Sunday around lunch time, I decided to go and get my hair trimmed. I ended up taking around 30cms of length of it which was more than I'd envisaged when I decided to get my hair cut, but I don't regret it at all. Some people say that a big change like that means something... maybe I'm turning a corner? Maybe I'm ready to really have a good crack at losing the rest of this weight? I mean, I've not really been in hard core weightloss mode since just before Christmas and I'm really disappointed that I wasted round 1.

I haven't yet signed up for round 2. Before the weekend I'd decided to have this round off and come back next round. I'm now considering doing it. I know I still need a LOT of help with my mindset. I need the support that the forums and FB groups offer. I need someone to tell me what to do, where I need to fix things.

I think back to where I was at the very beginning of my journey. August last year. Desperate to lose the weight. Totally committed to getting it off. Watching the numbers fall every single week. Feeling so good about myself when I got under the 150kg mark. Feeling awesome hitting the 139's, like I could go all the way to goal.

I'm currently sitting at 125kgs. I've got exactly 40 kgs I want to lose to get to my goal. I've lost 38kgs. I CAN do this... heck I've already done it!!! I just need to love and respect myself enough to do it. I need to stop worrying about other people, and worry about ME!! I'm not doing this for anyone else... this is MY time.

Broken

So I'm out. An injury has totally halted any ideas of training I've had at the moment. I am planning on getting back into some when I can control the pain but for the time being rest, ice and panadeine forte are my pals.




So you'd think that I would be ok with a rest. Gosh, I've been going gung ho for 9 months now, I deserve one. Thanks to my awesome new mindset, each day of not training is causing me mental anguish. Now, mental anguish is not normally a 'good' thing, but I am taking it as a win! Clearly I'm that into training and exercising that it does my head in when I'm not and that is AWESOME! I LOVE training with a passion now and I'm like a lost little puppy without it, but I KNOW I'll be back bigger and better when my knee heals. I just need to take the cues from my body and rest up.




Then the whole 'oh no I'm going to gain everything I've lost' comes into mind. Well, not this week. This week while resting and not taking too much notice of what I've been consuming, I managed to LOSE weight, and it wasn't just a minimal loss - 4.4kgs. Yep, you read right, I dropped 4.4kgs IN A WEEK!! That's my biggest loss to date and brings me pretty much to my half way mark and very close to 40kgs down now. Very exciting, but also very confusing. Not going to think about it too much though... just going to take it as a huge win!



I saw my physio today who's very impressed with my weightloss and she's going to work with me to try and get this knee back into training mode as quickly as possible.
I'm excited to think about being able to walk again properly soon, it's only been 10 days but feels like AGES!



I'm also excited because I feel my mojo coming back. I've got a goal. I am really keen to shed more kgs. I want 20kgs off at least by the end of the year. I'd love to drop the whole 39, but I want to take it a little slower. I want to pressure myself to lose the weight, but not too much because with everything else going on in life at the moment, I could very possibly implode.



And now for the kids.......



Sorry I haven't blogged often. I'm hoping to find a little more time now to reflect on where I've come from and where I'm at now. I'm hoping to be able to set some goals for the near future and I'd LOVE to celebrate that 40kg loss sometime in the next 2 weeks. Fingers crossed!

Small victories...

Life is CRAZY at the moment. I won't go into detail too much because honestly, I don't have the time!!
I'm playing, coaching, on the committee and organising scoring and canteen rosters for my netball club this year. It's been rather stressful and taken up alot of my time, but it paid off with a HUGE win yesterday (The coach gave me yesterday off - and I'm the coach haha). My first win as a coach and our clubs best day in a VERY long time..... many many years. It was great.

Anyway, I tried my dress on for season 2012 tonight. It's the same dress I've worn the last 2 seasons. The same dress I struggled to stretch over my 163kg frame. I can proudly announce that it fits SO much better! It's so much easier to get on... it's incredible! I used to fight with it big time. I used to make sure I got it on adn done up before I left home for my netball game and refused to take it off, holding my bladder in until I returned home, sometimes up to 6 hours later. I sweated trying to pull it on every week, it was not a nice feeling. And that's just putting it on!!! I attempted to move around a court with it. Not my finest moments.

Tonight shows me how far I've come. I still struggle to see the huge difference that others see. I still look at all the fat parts and wish so much of it was smaller, but I can certainly feel a difference.

I'm not as stressed about wearing it this time around. Will be interesting to see what some of my opponents say too when they see me for the first time since I began losing weight.

I may not be doing as well at the moment as I would have liked, but it certainly helps to see that I HAVE made a difference and even though it could be better, it's still pretty darn good.

I'm not doing too well with this blog at the moment am I?
I guess with everything I've got going on, I'm struggling to find time to jump online. I'mn also struggling to find anything remotely inspirational to talk about, as I've not done well.

The Easter Bunny visited. He was fine at our place, the kids only got a couple of eggs and hubs and I didn't. It was visiting family that did it. I've spent the last couple of days with chocolate smudges from head to toe, devouring the sweet stuff. Feeling REALLY sick afterwards though which is awesome.

As of yesterday, I decided it was time to pull my finger out (yes attempt # 3,298 for this round!!), and have a crack. I want to lose 15kgs by July 20 this year - My birthday. That will put me at 50kgs down (and hubby will owe me a holiday!).

I've restarted a food diary. I'm making sure I drink at LEAST 3 litres of water a day. My trainings don't really change (except I'm supposed to be at bootcamp now, but can't due to ick children).

I'm in this for the LONG haul. I didn't put all of this weight on overnight, and I can't expect it to fall off that quickly either. This is going to be a lifelong process. I will continually learn things about myself and I will have to continually put plans into place to achieve my goals.

I'm hoping to be at my halfway mark by the of May at the latest. TOTALLY doable. It's time to flick the fat!