A f(l)at day

So things have been going really well for me so far. Whilst I'm not following the nutrition plan 100%, I am making really good food choices. If I happen to make a bad choice, I make sure that the rest of my day works in with that choice to keep my cals low. It's still a work in progress.... I'm starting all over again like it's my very first round.

My training has been really good. Tuesday was my rest day although my DD (dear daughter) and I were out and about for a large majority of it. We had lots of shopping to do and my first point of call was Virtu to check out their active wear range. I don't think I can say it enough - AMAZING!! I grabbed a couple of pairs of 3/4 pants and they are just so comfortable! I then went to Big W to grab some One Active pieces, but our local store is very light on when it comes to the plus size section which is extremely disappointing. Ah well next time.

Today I'm feeling a bit flat. I haven't trained yet, I'm feeling rather tired and just a bit blah. I'm making sure I eat really well still as I know it's so much more about what I eat than how hard I train.


......

So why did I come back for round 4? I completed round 3 2011 and smashed it. There was no round 4 last year, so I had to navigate the holiday period on my own which I didn't do very well. I joined round 1 this year and only gave it a half arsed effort. I joined round 2 and gave up after a week. The injury has a lot to do with it, but it's more my mindset than anything else. I'd already lost 40kgs. WOW! 40kgs!! My mind still hadn't caught up to my body, but I was enjoying my new 3-4 sizes smaller clothing. I'd told myself in light of the injury that it would be good for me to sit at that weight for a while and enjoy it. A bit of a cop out really - I just couldn't train as hard as I wanted and I gave up. For what? I ended up gaining some of that weight I'd worked hard to lose and feeling worse about myself than ever before.

A little while ago our personal circumstances changed so hubby and I looked into other options for life insurance etc. It's SO depressing having to tell someone over the phone your weight. I know had I have been 30kgs lighter it wouldn't have been so hard.
Due to my weight, I've not been automatically accepted and I'm having to go and have some tests done to satisfy the company. I was devastated when they told me - I knew instantly it was because of my weight. Well, that big slap in the face was just what I needed to get myself back on track. I couldn't let a number dictate whether a company was going to value my life to be a certain amount of dollars, or nothing because they refused to insure me!! So ever since I've worked hard and eaten really well. I've been rewarded with a huge loss in the first week that I started. I'm planning on that continuing.

Another reason I joined? This photo -

Yes I'm the goose with the bag on my head!! 

This photo had me in tears for around 6 hours. This photo is me - 34kgs lighter than I was in August last year, but STILL HUGE!! I cannot get over how horrible I look. It hurts so much seeing pictures of myself and I know it has to change. I'm 30 next year. I have 2 young children and a husband who I adore. I have so much to live for and yet I kill myself with food?? So much for being an intelligent person. 

Once I saw this photo and a few others (along with the fact that the singlet I was given was too small and I was the only one over the whole weekend who couldn't wear it. I was so embarrassed yet just brushed it off like it was nothing.) I knew it was time. I'd done well to get to where I was, but there was just so much further to go. 

I think that's the hardest part for me. To know that I've lost huge numbers, but that I'm not even half way to where I want to be. And I don't want to weigh anything silly like 60kgs - for my frame that is just not possible. I just want to be proud of myself. To finish what I've set out to do. To love myself even just a little. To have a body part that I don't loathe. To be the real ME! 

.......


Photos and my 1km time trial are tomorrow. The photos are not going to be pretty but they NEED to happen. I know how much more motivated I become once I've seen just how big I really am. It's sad that that is what it takes to get me to work, but that's unfortunately how I operate at the moment. Hopefully with the loss of the weight will come the gain of some self loving. We'll see.

I get knocked down, but I get up again..

To say it's been a while is a total understatement. To say things have gone well - total overstatement.

The injury I received in April has really been rough and knocked me around quite a bit, along with one crazy hectic volunteering phase that's slowing down now before it kicks off again in the new year.

I've let excuse after excuse stop me from completing what I set out to do in August 2011. The injury was reasonably severe and I am still having problems with it to this day which is SUPER frustrating. I'm so scared of re injuring myself which is such a mind f*&^!!! It's really held me back.

I've let the crappy foods back into my house and back into my diet. I haven't gotten to the point I was before I lost the weight with 12wbt, but I certainly was on my way there. Why I allowed myself to do this I'll never really know. Perhaps it was a bit of depression creeping back in, perhaps I had just given up. It's over and done with now because I've finally decided that this is no way to live anymore. I refuse to let this injury rule my life. Now is the time to get back into the swing of things and lose this weight that I've been so desperate to get off.

I have approximately 47kgs to lose. I've gained approx 8kgs since April which I'm really disappointed about.   I hate that I'll have to go back and lose weight that I had already shed, but what's done is done. I can only really go down (on the scales) from here.

I have signed up for round 4. My motivator were some photos of myself on our end of season netball trip. As horrible as it is (and still being 30kgs down from my start weight) I feel just as big as I did at my heaviest. I'm not prepared to feel like this anymore.

A good friend has joined the program and whilst she doesn't have as much to lose as I do, I feel like she will be a great support as she's so close to where I live. We will be able to motivate each other.
There's also my local group of 12wbters who are amazing and smash these crazy goals I could only wish to achieve.

I'm determined to do what I did in my very first round of the 12wbt last year. To write in my blog often. To complete all tasks asked of me. To find my love of exercise and to say NO to the shit in my house/when out. Noone else can do this for me. Noone else wants this for me as much as I do. No point sitting on my ever expanding arse and waiting for something to happen as I know from previous experience - IT WON'T!!!

Today I completed a 6.6km fun run. I may not have run the entire 6.6kms, but considering I was going to give up after 3.3kms due to my injury, I'm pretty proud. I'm so disappointed and frustrated that I couldn't run the entire way as this time last year I could have. I hate that I've allowed this injury to put me back so far. Not any more!!

I've had my 6 months off. I've had fun. I've shown myself how NOT to live. I know what to do. I know how much I want the weight off. I've seen incredible friends and their AMAZING transformations and sat here behind my screen so elated for them, but so jealous. Jealous that they had the guts and determination to do what I didn't. I'm so very proud of them and they deserve all of the accolades they receive. They inspire me daily to be a better person and show me that it IS possible!!

So, this is it. My goal is to reach 85kgs by July 20 2013 for my 30th birthday. I want to look and feel amazing. I'm sick of being the biggest person in the room. The 'fat' friend. I'm sick of feeling so defensive about my size after all of the looks I get. I want to fit into the 'normal' sized clothing stores. I want to buy nice clothes!! I want to be fit. I want to be able to run. I want to be an amazing role model for my kids and I want people to look at me and say 'Wow! She's worked so hard and she looks amazing'. I want that for me.

I will come in from time to time and make some excuse or whinge or have a little 'depression session' and have no faith in myself. Please feel free to slap that shit out of me (with the written word obviously). I need every push I can possibly get. When I know I've got people relying on me, supporting me and encouraging me, I can do amazing things.

Until next time xx

Struggle street

I don't know how it happens. One minute, your head is exactly where it needs to be. You do everything within your power to do what you need to to get the results you want, so many cheers and compliments from friends and accquaintances, you feel so much better and then one little thing knocks you out of that 'zone' ...... it can just be so very hard to get back to where you were when you started.

I a struggling again. I'm not putting in 100% so I'm not seeing the results. I don't know why I should think any differently... if I don't make the effort how can I possibly expect to see any results?

I could use the excuse that I'm still recovering from this knee injury... I really am. BUT it doesn't excuse the poor food choices. I have to take ownership of those. Don't get me wrong, I've come a LONG way from where I was 10 months ago, but there's still a long way to go yet.

The exercise I'm getting back into. I attended my first bootcamp in over 2 months yesterday and I remembered how much I love getting my backside whipped! I played netball. I did a bit of netball training and tomorrow is my kinder walk (about 2 hours while my youngest is at kinder) and strength training class. Not enjoying the winter darkness every morning, but planning on getting a head lamp thing to wear so I can't use that as an excuse.

Slowly I know my eating will fall into place. It will follow my training. There's not really any junk in my house. I've got to get stuck into this water thing again and just start owning my my choices. Now or NEVER woman!!!!!

Blogger Challenge - Week 1

Have just come across this on Jayne's BLOG and thought I'd give it a decent go this round.
A blogger challenge is just a bit of fun, with the someone asking a question or a topic every week and those doing the challege answer it on their own blogs and then link them around to each other.

Week 1 - Introduction

• Introduce yourself? Tell us why are your here? 
• Why did you decide to join round 2 of Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation? 
• How have you prepared for the challenge? 

(In my best AA voice) Hi! I'm Nicky and I'm obese....
I started round 3 last year at 163kgs in preseason and ended up losing 27.5kgs. I was absolutely stoked and knew I'd found the program for me. I joined round 1 this year but had done so much damage to my mindset and eating habits over the Christmas Period that I really struggled and didn't get very far, only losing a handful of kgs. After meeting some amazing people at the Finale Party, I was determined to get this weight off. I initially wasn't going to join this round, but then decided that I NEEDED it,  I needed the mindset help and the support of the program so I jumped right back in.
I've not really needed to prepare too much. I know what's involved, but unlike last round I made sure I completed the pre season tasks. I know how important those and the videos are after not really giving them the time of day last round. I'm determined to return to clean eating and now that my injury is nearly at full use, my training will be cranked out big time this round. :)


Thanks Jayne for starting this challenge. I've been waiting to see if anyone was doing one that I could take part in.

Jump on in readers and participate. It's quite interesting reading what others are doing and have gone through.
Jump on over to Jayne's BLOG and join in the fun!

I love DOMS

So I'm doing pretty well, but there's room for improvement. My water intake certainly needs some work and these stupid fundraising chocolates have gotten the better of me once or twice, but NO MORE!

The positives - My training!! I've missed it like mad for 6 weeks and this week I finally have DOMS! I LOVE DOMS! Means I've worked hard.
Tonight is netball training and while I'm not technically supposed to play, I will do a fair amount of the training tonight and see how my leg goes. I may even have to play on the weekend to cover a few girls who cannot, but that's fine with me :)

I've not been following calories so much and I think that in order to get the results I want, I need to start doing it. I had a gain this week - all of 600 grams. It's really nothing in the scheme of things and it was only 2 days in between. I'm not going to let that rule me. I had only started training the day before for the first time in nearly 6 weeks and I know that that will have something to do with it. Push on!

I'm doing a 10km fun run this weekend. Ok, I'll really be walking most of it, but I will pull out a few short jogs to test this knee. I don't care how long it takes, as long as I finish! I'm really looking forward to it, and to getting back into the real hard core activities I used to do.

Am loving my local FB 12wbt group this week! They are all such amazing women and I really feel lucky to have their incredible support. We may not be huge like a capital city group, but we all get along so well and everyone has such fantastic advice. I really love that I have people who are reasonably local to me that I can chat to and catch up with on the odd occasion.

So, onwards and upwards. My goal for the next week is to drink AT LEAST 2 litres of water every single day. It makes me feel so much better when I do. I guess the cold weather doesn't make me feel quite as thirsty, but it's something I have to do.

Bring on weigh in next week and a drop in the numbers!! :)

Round 2, Day 1

And it's off to a really good start. Had a good breakfast, ran DD to kinder and then DS and I went to some local tennis courts where he played on the playground and I walked... and walked and walked. Due to the nature of my injury, I'm still unable to run (waiting for physio's ok). I'm really keen to get back into running, but I am NOT keen to derail my recovery so I'll wait as long as I have to before I get right back into everything again. Anyway, 1hr40mins and 612cals later and my tendon is feeling fine. :)

There's a 10kms fun run this weekend that I want to do. I'll be walking it, and maybe mixing a tiny bit of shuffling in there.This week I'll be concentrating on training my leg up ready to complete it. If on Saturday morning it's not feeling up to it, I won't risk it but I'm REALLY hoping it's all good to go.

Strength training tonight. Really looking forward to being able to actually complete a full session tonight and the accompanying DOMS that I'm sure to suffer from tomorrow.

I feel stronger this round. I feel like I can do it. I have faith in myself. This is a chance I'm not going to let pass me by. Here's to week 1 being amazing!

Awkward...

When you put on your bra to it's tightest setting... and your boobs fall out the bottom. Yes, it's probably time to get some new bras.... #awkward!!