A f(l)at day

So things have been going really well for me so far. Whilst I'm not following the nutrition plan 100%, I am making really good food choices. If I happen to make a bad choice, I make sure that the rest of my day works in with that choice to keep my cals low. It's still a work in progress.... I'm starting all over again like it's my very first round.

My training has been really good. Tuesday was my rest day although my DD (dear daughter) and I were out and about for a large majority of it. We had lots of shopping to do and my first point of call was Virtu to check out their active wear range. I don't think I can say it enough - AMAZING!! I grabbed a couple of pairs of 3/4 pants and they are just so comfortable! I then went to Big W to grab some One Active pieces, but our local store is very light on when it comes to the plus size section which is extremely disappointing. Ah well next time.

Today I'm feeling a bit flat. I haven't trained yet, I'm feeling rather tired and just a bit blah. I'm making sure I eat really well still as I know it's so much more about what I eat than how hard I train.


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So why did I come back for round 4? I completed round 3 2011 and smashed it. There was no round 4 last year, so I had to navigate the holiday period on my own which I didn't do very well. I joined round 1 this year and only gave it a half arsed effort. I joined round 2 and gave up after a week. The injury has a lot to do with it, but it's more my mindset than anything else. I'd already lost 40kgs. WOW! 40kgs!! My mind still hadn't caught up to my body, but I was enjoying my new 3-4 sizes smaller clothing. I'd told myself in light of the injury that it would be good for me to sit at that weight for a while and enjoy it. A bit of a cop out really - I just couldn't train as hard as I wanted and I gave up. For what? I ended up gaining some of that weight I'd worked hard to lose and feeling worse about myself than ever before.

A little while ago our personal circumstances changed so hubby and I looked into other options for life insurance etc. It's SO depressing having to tell someone over the phone your weight. I know had I have been 30kgs lighter it wouldn't have been so hard.
Due to my weight, I've not been automatically accepted and I'm having to go and have some tests done to satisfy the company. I was devastated when they told me - I knew instantly it was because of my weight. Well, that big slap in the face was just what I needed to get myself back on track. I couldn't let a number dictate whether a company was going to value my life to be a certain amount of dollars, or nothing because they refused to insure me!! So ever since I've worked hard and eaten really well. I've been rewarded with a huge loss in the first week that I started. I'm planning on that continuing.

Another reason I joined? This photo -

Yes I'm the goose with the bag on my head!! 

This photo had me in tears for around 6 hours. This photo is me - 34kgs lighter than I was in August last year, but STILL HUGE!! I cannot get over how horrible I look. It hurts so much seeing pictures of myself and I know it has to change. I'm 30 next year. I have 2 young children and a husband who I adore. I have so much to live for and yet I kill myself with food?? So much for being an intelligent person. 

Once I saw this photo and a few others (along with the fact that the singlet I was given was too small and I was the only one over the whole weekend who couldn't wear it. I was so embarrassed yet just brushed it off like it was nothing.) I knew it was time. I'd done well to get to where I was, but there was just so much further to go. 

I think that's the hardest part for me. To know that I've lost huge numbers, but that I'm not even half way to where I want to be. And I don't want to weigh anything silly like 60kgs - for my frame that is just not possible. I just want to be proud of myself. To finish what I've set out to do. To love myself even just a little. To have a body part that I don't loathe. To be the real ME! 

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Photos and my 1km time trial are tomorrow. The photos are not going to be pretty but they NEED to happen. I know how much more motivated I become once I've seen just how big I really am. It's sad that that is what it takes to get me to work, but that's unfortunately how I operate at the moment. Hopefully with the loss of the weight will come the gain of some self loving. We'll see.