Fighting fit - but still a work in progress.

Today I had to undergo a full medical to satisfy my new life insurance company. I know that I'm quite healthy, especially for someone of my stature but it still hurts that someone can decide that they think you're a huge liability because of a few numbers... Noone else to blame for it though and that's how business works. I'm cool with it.

It was really good to have a full check up as I haven't had one done for a VERY long time. I had blood tests, urine analysis, measurements, weight, BP... you name it. While I'm still rather heavy (which we ALL know), I'm perfectly healthy (pending the blood test results, but I am positive they will come back all clear).

A really exciting thing for me was my resting heart rate. I remember in my first round within a few days of getting my Polar HR monitor, heading to the 12wbt forums and asking about my resting heart rate. I hadn't cheked it properly and for some reason I thought it was 130bpm!! Someone answered that I certainly was doing the right thing if that was my resting HR.. I agree!!
In fact, my resting HR when I checked it properly was over 90bpm... I think it was 95bpm. At least it wasn't over 100bpm, but I still knew it was rather high and not doing my body any good at all.
Today my resting HR was..... 66bpm!! That sounds like the HR of a super fit person! I was pretty excited about that, particularly because I've not been training hard all year like I would have had I not succumb to the injury, but I'm certainly heading in the right direction again :)

My GP's scales also had me at 3.2kgs less than last Wednesday's weigh in. It will be interesting to see what my scales say tomorrow. I'm confident they will say I'm about 3kgs heavier than my GP's. LOL It was nice to weigh in at that when I'd given the company a weight that was almost 4 kgs heavier.

I didn't have a great weekend. Birthdays, days out, tennis (and the AMAZING afternoon teas that accompany it)... I didn't make the greatest choices BUT, I am as of today. I've been a water guzzling machine and my treat meal to myself after having to fast for these blood tests was a salad wrap and water. ;)

I'm getting comments about how good I'm looking which I really shouldn't be getting just yet.... but it's nice to hear all the same. I'm hoping to hear lots more over the next 11 weeks.

My motivation levels aren't as high as my very first round. I was so very excited back then with a totally new program unlike anything I'd tried before. Now, I'm a bit of an old hand even if I haven't followed it correctly the entire time, I know what to do and what's expected. I am determined to make this round count though. I want to lose at least 10kgs.... lets see how I go.

Until next time.

xx

A f(l)at day

So things have been going really well for me so far. Whilst I'm not following the nutrition plan 100%, I am making really good food choices. If I happen to make a bad choice, I make sure that the rest of my day works in with that choice to keep my cals low. It's still a work in progress.... I'm starting all over again like it's my very first round.

My training has been really good. Tuesday was my rest day although my DD (dear daughter) and I were out and about for a large majority of it. We had lots of shopping to do and my first point of call was Virtu to check out their active wear range. I don't think I can say it enough - AMAZING!! I grabbed a couple of pairs of 3/4 pants and they are just so comfortable! I then went to Big W to grab some One Active pieces, but our local store is very light on when it comes to the plus size section which is extremely disappointing. Ah well next time.

Today I'm feeling a bit flat. I haven't trained yet, I'm feeling rather tired and just a bit blah. I'm making sure I eat really well still as I know it's so much more about what I eat than how hard I train.


......

So why did I come back for round 4? I completed round 3 2011 and smashed it. There was no round 4 last year, so I had to navigate the holiday period on my own which I didn't do very well. I joined round 1 this year and only gave it a half arsed effort. I joined round 2 and gave up after a week. The injury has a lot to do with it, but it's more my mindset than anything else. I'd already lost 40kgs. WOW! 40kgs!! My mind still hadn't caught up to my body, but I was enjoying my new 3-4 sizes smaller clothing. I'd told myself in light of the injury that it would be good for me to sit at that weight for a while and enjoy it. A bit of a cop out really - I just couldn't train as hard as I wanted and I gave up. For what? I ended up gaining some of that weight I'd worked hard to lose and feeling worse about myself than ever before.

A little while ago our personal circumstances changed so hubby and I looked into other options for life insurance etc. It's SO depressing having to tell someone over the phone your weight. I know had I have been 30kgs lighter it wouldn't have been so hard.
Due to my weight, I've not been automatically accepted and I'm having to go and have some tests done to satisfy the company. I was devastated when they told me - I knew instantly it was because of my weight. Well, that big slap in the face was just what I needed to get myself back on track. I couldn't let a number dictate whether a company was going to value my life to be a certain amount of dollars, or nothing because they refused to insure me!! So ever since I've worked hard and eaten really well. I've been rewarded with a huge loss in the first week that I started. I'm planning on that continuing.

Another reason I joined? This photo -

Yes I'm the goose with the bag on my head!! 

This photo had me in tears for around 6 hours. This photo is me - 34kgs lighter than I was in August last year, but STILL HUGE!! I cannot get over how horrible I look. It hurts so much seeing pictures of myself and I know it has to change. I'm 30 next year. I have 2 young children and a husband who I adore. I have so much to live for and yet I kill myself with food?? So much for being an intelligent person. 

Once I saw this photo and a few others (along with the fact that the singlet I was given was too small and I was the only one over the whole weekend who couldn't wear it. I was so embarrassed yet just brushed it off like it was nothing.) I knew it was time. I'd done well to get to where I was, but there was just so much further to go. 

I think that's the hardest part for me. To know that I've lost huge numbers, but that I'm not even half way to where I want to be. And I don't want to weigh anything silly like 60kgs - for my frame that is just not possible. I just want to be proud of myself. To finish what I've set out to do. To love myself even just a little. To have a body part that I don't loathe. To be the real ME! 

.......


Photos and my 1km time trial are tomorrow. The photos are not going to be pretty but they NEED to happen. I know how much more motivated I become once I've seen just how big I really am. It's sad that that is what it takes to get me to work, but that's unfortunately how I operate at the moment. Hopefully with the loss of the weight will come the gain of some self loving. We'll see.

I get knocked down, but I get up again..

To say it's been a while is a total understatement. To say things have gone well - total overstatement.

The injury I received in April has really been rough and knocked me around quite a bit, along with one crazy hectic volunteering phase that's slowing down now before it kicks off again in the new year.

I've let excuse after excuse stop me from completing what I set out to do in August 2011. The injury was reasonably severe and I am still having problems with it to this day which is SUPER frustrating. I'm so scared of re injuring myself which is such a mind f*&^!!! It's really held me back.

I've let the crappy foods back into my house and back into my diet. I haven't gotten to the point I was before I lost the weight with 12wbt, but I certainly was on my way there. Why I allowed myself to do this I'll never really know. Perhaps it was a bit of depression creeping back in, perhaps I had just given up. It's over and done with now because I've finally decided that this is no way to live anymore. I refuse to let this injury rule my life. Now is the time to get back into the swing of things and lose this weight that I've been so desperate to get off.

I have approximately 47kgs to lose. I've gained approx 8kgs since April which I'm really disappointed about.   I hate that I'll have to go back and lose weight that I had already shed, but what's done is done. I can only really go down (on the scales) from here.

I have signed up for round 4. My motivator were some photos of myself on our end of season netball trip. As horrible as it is (and still being 30kgs down from my start weight) I feel just as big as I did at my heaviest. I'm not prepared to feel like this anymore.

A good friend has joined the program and whilst she doesn't have as much to lose as I do, I feel like she will be a great support as she's so close to where I live. We will be able to motivate each other.
There's also my local group of 12wbters who are amazing and smash these crazy goals I could only wish to achieve.

I'm determined to do what I did in my very first round of the 12wbt last year. To write in my blog often. To complete all tasks asked of me. To find my love of exercise and to say NO to the shit in my house/when out. Noone else can do this for me. Noone else wants this for me as much as I do. No point sitting on my ever expanding arse and waiting for something to happen as I know from previous experience - IT WON'T!!!

Today I completed a 6.6km fun run. I may not have run the entire 6.6kms, but considering I was going to give up after 3.3kms due to my injury, I'm pretty proud. I'm so disappointed and frustrated that I couldn't run the entire way as this time last year I could have. I hate that I've allowed this injury to put me back so far. Not any more!!

I've had my 6 months off. I've had fun. I've shown myself how NOT to live. I know what to do. I know how much I want the weight off. I've seen incredible friends and their AMAZING transformations and sat here behind my screen so elated for them, but so jealous. Jealous that they had the guts and determination to do what I didn't. I'm so very proud of them and they deserve all of the accolades they receive. They inspire me daily to be a better person and show me that it IS possible!!

So, this is it. My goal is to reach 85kgs by July 20 2013 for my 30th birthday. I want to look and feel amazing. I'm sick of being the biggest person in the room. The 'fat' friend. I'm sick of feeling so defensive about my size after all of the looks I get. I want to fit into the 'normal' sized clothing stores. I want to buy nice clothes!! I want to be fit. I want to be able to run. I want to be an amazing role model for my kids and I want people to look at me and say 'Wow! She's worked so hard and she looks amazing'. I want that for me.

I will come in from time to time and make some excuse or whinge or have a little 'depression session' and have no faith in myself. Please feel free to slap that shit out of me (with the written word obviously). I need every push I can possibly get. When I know I've got people relying on me, supporting me and encouraging me, I can do amazing things.

Until next time xx

Struggle street

I don't know how it happens. One minute, your head is exactly where it needs to be. You do everything within your power to do what you need to to get the results you want, so many cheers and compliments from friends and accquaintances, you feel so much better and then one little thing knocks you out of that 'zone' ...... it can just be so very hard to get back to where you were when you started.

I a struggling again. I'm not putting in 100% so I'm not seeing the results. I don't know why I should think any differently... if I don't make the effort how can I possibly expect to see any results?

I could use the excuse that I'm still recovering from this knee injury... I really am. BUT it doesn't excuse the poor food choices. I have to take ownership of those. Don't get me wrong, I've come a LONG way from where I was 10 months ago, but there's still a long way to go yet.

The exercise I'm getting back into. I attended my first bootcamp in over 2 months yesterday and I remembered how much I love getting my backside whipped! I played netball. I did a bit of netball training and tomorrow is my kinder walk (about 2 hours while my youngest is at kinder) and strength training class. Not enjoying the winter darkness every morning, but planning on getting a head lamp thing to wear so I can't use that as an excuse.

Slowly I know my eating will fall into place. It will follow my training. There's not really any junk in my house. I've got to get stuck into this water thing again and just start owning my my choices. Now or NEVER woman!!!!!

Blogger Challenge - Week 1

Have just come across this on Jayne's BLOG and thought I'd give it a decent go this round.
A blogger challenge is just a bit of fun, with the someone asking a question or a topic every week and those doing the challege answer it on their own blogs and then link them around to each other.

Week 1 - Introduction

• Introduce yourself? Tell us why are your here? 
• Why did you decide to join round 2 of Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation? 
• How have you prepared for the challenge? 

(In my best AA voice) Hi! I'm Nicky and I'm obese....
I started round 3 last year at 163kgs in preseason and ended up losing 27.5kgs. I was absolutely stoked and knew I'd found the program for me. I joined round 1 this year but had done so much damage to my mindset and eating habits over the Christmas Period that I really struggled and didn't get very far, only losing a handful of kgs. After meeting some amazing people at the Finale Party, I was determined to get this weight off. I initially wasn't going to join this round, but then decided that I NEEDED it,  I needed the mindset help and the support of the program so I jumped right back in.
I've not really needed to prepare too much. I know what's involved, but unlike last round I made sure I completed the pre season tasks. I know how important those and the videos are after not really giving them the time of day last round. I'm determined to return to clean eating and now that my injury is nearly at full use, my training will be cranked out big time this round. :)


Thanks Jayne for starting this challenge. I've been waiting to see if anyone was doing one that I could take part in.

Jump on in readers and participate. It's quite interesting reading what others are doing and have gone through.
Jump on over to Jayne's BLOG and join in the fun!

I love DOMS

So I'm doing pretty well, but there's room for improvement. My water intake certainly needs some work and these stupid fundraising chocolates have gotten the better of me once or twice, but NO MORE!

The positives - My training!! I've missed it like mad for 6 weeks and this week I finally have DOMS! I LOVE DOMS! Means I've worked hard.
Tonight is netball training and while I'm not technically supposed to play, I will do a fair amount of the training tonight and see how my leg goes. I may even have to play on the weekend to cover a few girls who cannot, but that's fine with me :)

I've not been following calories so much and I think that in order to get the results I want, I need to start doing it. I had a gain this week - all of 600 grams. It's really nothing in the scheme of things and it was only 2 days in between. I'm not going to let that rule me. I had only started training the day before for the first time in nearly 6 weeks and I know that that will have something to do with it. Push on!

I'm doing a 10km fun run this weekend. Ok, I'll really be walking most of it, but I will pull out a few short jogs to test this knee. I don't care how long it takes, as long as I finish! I'm really looking forward to it, and to getting back into the real hard core activities I used to do.

Am loving my local FB 12wbt group this week! They are all such amazing women and I really feel lucky to have their incredible support. We may not be huge like a capital city group, but we all get along so well and everyone has such fantastic advice. I really love that I have people who are reasonably local to me that I can chat to and catch up with on the odd occasion.

So, onwards and upwards. My goal for the next week is to drink AT LEAST 2 litres of water every single day. It makes me feel so much better when I do. I guess the cold weather doesn't make me feel quite as thirsty, but it's something I have to do.

Bring on weigh in next week and a drop in the numbers!! :)

Round 2, Day 1

And it's off to a really good start. Had a good breakfast, ran DD to kinder and then DS and I went to some local tennis courts where he played on the playground and I walked... and walked and walked. Due to the nature of my injury, I'm still unable to run (waiting for physio's ok). I'm really keen to get back into running, but I am NOT keen to derail my recovery so I'll wait as long as I have to before I get right back into everything again. Anyway, 1hr40mins and 612cals later and my tendon is feeling fine. :)

There's a 10kms fun run this weekend that I want to do. I'll be walking it, and maybe mixing a tiny bit of shuffling in there.This week I'll be concentrating on training my leg up ready to complete it. If on Saturday morning it's not feeling up to it, I won't risk it but I'm REALLY hoping it's all good to go.

Strength training tonight. Really looking forward to being able to actually complete a full session tonight and the accompanying DOMS that I'm sure to suffer from tomorrow.

I feel stronger this round. I feel like I can do it. I have faith in myself. This is a chance I'm not going to let pass me by. Here's to week 1 being amazing!

Awkward...

When you put on your bra to it's tightest setting... and your boobs fall out the bottom. Yes, it's probably time to get some new bras.... #awkward!!

NOW I remember those squats...

A day after doing a piddly 30 squats (super low ones to really test the knee out ;)) and 30 lunges and I can feel it. That is REALLY scary as that is absolutely NOTHING in comparison to what I was doing before I got my injury. I'm quite scared now to go back to boot camp and PT next week. Best get hubby onto some massage...

My number 1 tip - Don't stop training!!! EVER!!! You lose your fitness SO quickly. It's going to take me ages to build back up to where I was, but I'll get there!!

Super excited about squats and lunges - No, I haven't gone completely bonkers!

Good news!!
My knee/hamstring tendon/surrounding muscles have improved enough to the point where I can now lunge and squat without pain!! I'm SO excited!! I've been walking without a limp for one whole week which has been great, but getting the news from the physio that I can no go back to training (not running just yet) has made my fricking year!!

Not being able to run, play netball, do bootcamp or any of my classes for 5 full weeks now has really not done me any favours. I've been very lucky in that I haven't gained weight. I haven't eaten well though and I assume that my metabolism has just sped up and been able to cope with a few weeks of shit. Thankfully!
Now, I'm going to get right back into training - HARD CORE

I start off with longer walks - 3-5kms building up to 6-7kms before I do a 10km fun run (which I will walk) on June 10th. I have sets os squats and lunges and hamstring strengthening exercises to do several times a day and all going well, I get to hop back on the netball court in 3 weeks!! Gosh I feel like I've been away from exercise for months! I know my fitness levels will have taken a massive hit even though I've been doing little things that I could (boxing etc) while I've been off, but I'm prepared to put in the work to get back where I was.

I'm fricking stoked though!! Bring on the blood, sweat and tears (minus a little blood).

Just makes me even more determined to kick some arse this round.

Different

It feels different this time around.

Round 2 is MY round. I can feel it. Even if I don't crack the 20kgs lost, I will still kick some butt and I know I WILL crack it soon after.

I'm drinking tonnes of water. I'm aiming for at least 2.5 litres a day at the moment. I'm trying really hard to make good food choices. I'm actively thinking about what I should put in my body. I have had a couple of slip ups but that's ok.... it took me years to get to this point. My head is going to be the hardest thing to fix.

I've has a bowl of salad for lunch today. Yes I added some light mayo and a sprinkle of cheese, but in comparison to what I've been having it was actually really very good. I've already got dinner organised in my head which I'll begin cooking soon before I have to duck out for a meeting at a pub where we were offered a meal, but I turned down. I don't need it, it will only hinder my progress and I WANT to eat as cleanly as I can when I can help it.

I nearly feel as dedicated as I was my first round (round 3, 2011 where I lost 27.5kgs from day 1 of preseason until the final weigh in).

I know once I can start running and weight bearing on my dodgy leg, things will certainly go in the right direction. I cannot WAIT to hit the netball court and get back to my hard core training again.


I like where my head is at. Sure I can certainly improve things, but it's definitely heading in thee right direction.

Less to lose than I already have!

Yes I've finally hit THAT milestone... I've now lost more than I still need to lose (if that makes any sense at all! haha).
Today, I hit the 40kgs lost mark. I now have 38kgs to lose to reach my goal weight!! Very exciting!

I've been so close to this day for a long time now and it's nice to finally see the scales moving in the right direction.

Hubby and I have found our motivation and determination and we're ready to kick round 2 ass!

                                        10 months & 40kgs difference (me last night on the right)

I had an AMAZING night last night with my local girls. Another local 12wbter and I organised a cocktail party to celebrate each other and it was a fantastic night! We seem to all get along really well and it's so nice having people that can relate to what I'm going through, to motivate and encourage me and be so close (well, as close as can be when I live here in the middle of nowhere!).

I've just had an awesome weekend. My eating (apart from last night and today) has been really good, my water uptake has increased a heap and I'm feeling better already. I cannot WAIT to get back into running and really busting my backside to burn off some calories.

I've got a good feeling about this round.

Round 2 here we come!!

It's ON!! I just signed up for round 2!!

Hubby and I were talking last night and he was saying how he wants to lose some more weight. How he's disappointed with the last few months and he feels like he's gained. It's exactly how I feel, so I jumped in.

I know how hard I have to work and I know I need the help to get there. I've got hubby and our supportive families behind us and It's ON!!

20kgs be gone by August. It WILL happen and you can watch it all take place right here!

I'm not going to let anything get in my way this time.

So on the weekend, I got to attend the round 1 finale party and workout in Melbourne. I'd been so excited at the prospect of being able to catch up with people I'd been chatting to for many months now. It was a fantastic weekend apart from the fact that my original guest injured her back at a last minute training session late on Friday morning (2 hours before we were due to leave) and was unable to attend. I did got onto my Mum though who I stole from work 4 hours early and dragged down for a weekend. ;)

Unfortunately due to my hamstring tendon still not being where it needs to be, I couldn't do the workout. I watched while my Mum and many many girls who have been so inspirational toughed it out. I am sad that I missed it though.

The finale party that night was great, although was soured by the long wait to get in (was expecting a bit of a wait, but it took us 45 mins in a line before we got in) and extreme rudeness from a group of 'ladies' (I use the term loosely) who abused us while they jumped out of line for photos and we stepped forward. Apart from being very rude, they were then rather pushy and found their way in ahead of us (I'm not one who enjoys confrontation so just let them go). It really soured the evening for us and we weren't able to enjoy it as much as we would have lied to.

The plaza ballroom was gorgeous. I'm so sad that I couldn't find any of my local 12wbters due to the lack of service for our phones down there, but I did get to mingle (not for long enough) with many many ladies who I'd been dying to meet. Was a great night and one that I'd head to again in the future.

So where am I at now? I'm still pretty much out with this tendon stuff, although just starting to walk reasonable distances. A veyr slow build up to make sure that my knee and leg are coping ok with it. I'm not keen to push too hard and render myself useless for however many more weeks again. I'm planning a 10km fun run (which I'll walk and possibly jog a tiny bit of after physio advice) on June 10th which will be my first major exercise achievement in well over 2 months. I'm also hoping by the end of June to get back to netball again... I've been unable to play this season so far and we started mid April!!

Weight wise I've not done too badly. I've let the fact I can't train and the ensuing depression it brings really affect my diet to the point where I'm not even thinking about what I'm putting in my mouth. I'm very lucky that I've not really gained anything and am floating around the same weight I was when I injured myself.
I've got to be pretty happy with that!

After my weekend away I felt different. Although I've come along way weight loss and fitness wise, I still felt out of place. I still felt massively huge. I felt like I'd not lost anything (logically I know I've lost a LOT, but the mind games I play with myself never let me think about things logically these days). I felt like I was the biggest person at the finale party on Saturday night. I felt gross in my gorgeous dress I was excited to wear. It was a real kick in the guts but also a real eye opener - I may have come a fair way, but there's still an ever further way to go.

So when I got back to B town on Sunday around lunch time, I decided to go and get my hair trimmed. I ended up taking around 30cms of length of it which was more than I'd envisaged when I decided to get my hair cut, but I don't regret it at all. Some people say that a big change like that means something... maybe I'm turning a corner? Maybe I'm ready to really have a good crack at losing the rest of this weight? I mean, I've not really been in hard core weightloss mode since just before Christmas and I'm really disappointed that I wasted round 1.

I haven't yet signed up for round 2. Before the weekend I'd decided to have this round off and come back next round. I'm now considering doing it. I know I still need a LOT of help with my mindset. I need the support that the forums and FB groups offer. I need someone to tell me what to do, where I need to fix things.

I think back to where I was at the very beginning of my journey. August last year. Desperate to lose the weight. Totally committed to getting it off. Watching the numbers fall every single week. Feeling so good about myself when I got under the 150kg mark. Feeling awesome hitting the 139's, like I could go all the way to goal.

I'm currently sitting at 125kgs. I've got exactly 40 kgs I want to lose to get to my goal. I've lost 38kgs. I CAN do this... heck I've already done it!!! I just need to love and respect myself enough to do it. I need to stop worrying about other people, and worry about ME!! I'm not doing this for anyone else... this is MY time.

Broken

So I'm out. An injury has totally halted any ideas of training I've had at the moment. I am planning on getting back into some when I can control the pain but for the time being rest, ice and panadeine forte are my pals.




So you'd think that I would be ok with a rest. Gosh, I've been going gung ho for 9 months now, I deserve one. Thanks to my awesome new mindset, each day of not training is causing me mental anguish. Now, mental anguish is not normally a 'good' thing, but I am taking it as a win! Clearly I'm that into training and exercising that it does my head in when I'm not and that is AWESOME! I LOVE training with a passion now and I'm like a lost little puppy without it, but I KNOW I'll be back bigger and better when my knee heals. I just need to take the cues from my body and rest up.




Then the whole 'oh no I'm going to gain everything I've lost' comes into mind. Well, not this week. This week while resting and not taking too much notice of what I've been consuming, I managed to LOSE weight, and it wasn't just a minimal loss - 4.4kgs. Yep, you read right, I dropped 4.4kgs IN A WEEK!! That's my biggest loss to date and brings me pretty much to my half way mark and very close to 40kgs down now. Very exciting, but also very confusing. Not going to think about it too much though... just going to take it as a huge win!



I saw my physio today who's very impressed with my weightloss and she's going to work with me to try and get this knee back into training mode as quickly as possible.
I'm excited to think about being able to walk again properly soon, it's only been 10 days but feels like AGES!



I'm also excited because I feel my mojo coming back. I've got a goal. I am really keen to shed more kgs. I want 20kgs off at least by the end of the year. I'd love to drop the whole 39, but I want to take it a little slower. I want to pressure myself to lose the weight, but not too much because with everything else going on in life at the moment, I could very possibly implode.



And now for the kids.......



Sorry I haven't blogged often. I'm hoping to find a little more time now to reflect on where I've come from and where I'm at now. I'm hoping to be able to set some goals for the near future and I'd LOVE to celebrate that 40kg loss sometime in the next 2 weeks. Fingers crossed!

Small victories...

Life is CRAZY at the moment. I won't go into detail too much because honestly, I don't have the time!!
I'm playing, coaching, on the committee and organising scoring and canteen rosters for my netball club this year. It's been rather stressful and taken up alot of my time, but it paid off with a HUGE win yesterday (The coach gave me yesterday off - and I'm the coach haha). My first win as a coach and our clubs best day in a VERY long time..... many many years. It was great.

Anyway, I tried my dress on for season 2012 tonight. It's the same dress I've worn the last 2 seasons. The same dress I struggled to stretch over my 163kg frame. I can proudly announce that it fits SO much better! It's so much easier to get on... it's incredible! I used to fight with it big time. I used to make sure I got it on adn done up before I left home for my netball game and refused to take it off, holding my bladder in until I returned home, sometimes up to 6 hours later. I sweated trying to pull it on every week, it was not a nice feeling. And that's just putting it on!!! I attempted to move around a court with it. Not my finest moments.

Tonight shows me how far I've come. I still struggle to see the huge difference that others see. I still look at all the fat parts and wish so much of it was smaller, but I can certainly feel a difference.

I'm not as stressed about wearing it this time around. Will be interesting to see what some of my opponents say too when they see me for the first time since I began losing weight.

I may not be doing as well at the moment as I would have liked, but it certainly helps to see that I HAVE made a difference and even though it could be better, it's still pretty darn good.

I'm not doing too well with this blog at the moment am I?
I guess with everything I've got going on, I'm struggling to find time to jump online. I'mn also struggling to find anything remotely inspirational to talk about, as I've not done well.

The Easter Bunny visited. He was fine at our place, the kids only got a couple of eggs and hubs and I didn't. It was visiting family that did it. I've spent the last couple of days with chocolate smudges from head to toe, devouring the sweet stuff. Feeling REALLY sick afterwards though which is awesome.

As of yesterday, I decided it was time to pull my finger out (yes attempt # 3,298 for this round!!), and have a crack. I want to lose 15kgs by July 20 this year - My birthday. That will put me at 50kgs down (and hubby will owe me a holiday!).

I've restarted a food diary. I'm making sure I drink at LEAST 3 litres of water a day. My trainings don't really change (except I'm supposed to be at bootcamp now, but can't due to ick children).

I'm in this for the LONG haul. I didn't put all of this weight on overnight, and I can't expect it to fall off that quickly either. This is going to be a lifelong process. I will continually learn things about myself and I will have to continually put plans into place to achieve my goals.

I'm hoping to be at my halfway mark by the of May at the latest. TOTALLY doable. It's time to flick the fat!

I'm Sorry!!!

I've been on neglectful blogger!!!
It's been 2 weeks since my last post....


In that time, I've been rather busy. Kinder, playgroup, committees, netball, a new coaching role, kids, husbands, family..... hectic. I've continued training hard and eating pretty well.

Yesterday morning I weighed in and hit my 35kg goal. Yep, I've lost 35kgs since August 15th last year. Pretty happy with that (it should be a lot more at this stage, but I'm not going to dwell).

Anyway, after having my newish (3 months old) pair of jeans that are really the only ones that have fit me, fall down to my ankles while walking out to my car today, I went through my closet. I tried a few of my old items on - all WAY too big and time to turf.

I then spied on my the back of my bedroom door hanging up - my wedding dress.

I got married in September 2008 to my loving and supportive husband. I was a big girl and had so much trouble trying to get a dress. It was so super depressing (and the fact that my husband gave me less than 4 months to organise my entire wedding in, was not really all that helpful).

I had tried a few on. Been turned away from all bar one bridal store as I was "a little too cuddly" to fit into their dresses. One of the most amazing and happy times of my life was very tough in the lead up.

After talking with an amazing friend, she offered to MAKE my wedding dress for me. She hadn't made a dress before, but she's an absolute fashion WHIZZ and her mother was an experienced dress maker. I was just fricking happy having something that fit me!!

My dress was amazing! I feel incredible on the day in it (although looking at the photos afterwards were pretty heartbreaking). SO many comments on my beautiful dress and how beautiful I looked in it.

Today I decided to try it on again. I wanted to see if I still fit into it. I weighed in at approx 148kgs on my wedding day in 2008 and even thought I knew I was huge, I NEVER imagined I would gain another 15kgs before hitting my weight peak.

I undid the tonne of buttons that adorned the back of my beautiful dress, placed it over my head, popped my arms through the sleeve holes and....



It swam on me! I didn't imagine it to ever be THAT big! I was just hoping to fit back into it!!

My wedding dress is now MILES too big. Too long. The back overlaps by at least 10cms. There is SO much material. My boobs are dwarfed in it. I felt AMAZING!!

It's such a thrill to smash such a milestone. To think I felt like I looked pretty good on my wedding day (7 weeks pregnant and with my giant gut sucker undies on).... wow! Tonight I wasn't pregnant, I wasn't wearing my gut suckers and I certainly was not that 148kg person I once was.

128kgs baby and going DOWN!

My Boring Blog Hop

So this week has gone pretty well. I've concentrated on upping my water intake, trying to eat well when I can (not always succeeding) and I'm training my little backside off when I can.
Unfortunately yesterday netball training got cancelled after a getting half way around the football oval and it began bucketing down and we were hit with a massive storm. Swimming back to the clubrooms wasn't much fun with the sky constantly lit with lightning and the crashing of thunder all around. I was absolutely saturated and I had to wring my socks out!

At the beginning of training last night, I got some compliments again. People telling me I looked really good. My body must be changing shape reasonably rapidly, as these are people I saw 2-3 weeks ago who are noticing a pretty decent difference. I'm pretty happy with that.

I've been super busy with kids, dogs, committees etc etc this week, so I don't have a lot to report. It's Fitness Friday again which means a blog hop.
My one interesting piece of information for this REALLY boring post, is that I'm 6kgs away from hitting halfway to my ultimate goal. BRING IT ON! I can't help but feel a little disappointed as the changes are not as dramatic as I envisaged when I first set my goals, but I'm sure the second half of my journey will see massive changes. I can't wait to get under 100kgs!!

Have a great weekend! I'm dragging even MORE new people to my bootcamp session tomorrow. They aren't going to know what's hit them! haha

Hop Time!

The long weekend and WIW.

So, let's start this post with some wicked news - I LOST 2.1KGS THIS WEEK!!!!!
This is my biggest loss since the end of last round. I can't believe it!! I've been praying to lose a figure like this for months and I'm so happy that it's finally happened.
I got quite a few compliments on my weight loss this week and I was a bit hesitant in accepting them, because my weight had barely budged. My measurements have been great so I know my body is changing, but this weigh is the icing on the cake for me and a huge motivator to continue having a fantastic week this week.

Now, the long weekend. I didn't take time off training. I didn't eat crap because I could. The long weekend for me was all about spending lots of time outside with my family, eating well and being like every single other day for the rest of my life - clean.

Saturday morning was a log session with bootcamp which was tough. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my bootcamp. My trainer is so super fit and whilst I doubt she's ever had any weight problems herself (she was a pro triathlete), she still motivates me and gets the best from me. She knows that I do give it my all (and she knows when I don't). I'm really enjoying the Saturday and Tuesday sessions I have with her.
After that, the kids, hubby and I took our puppy for a little walk for 30 mins. Was just nice getting outside with my little family and enjoying exercise, even if it was just a short walk.
Sunday, hubby and I decided to start getting wood ready for the winter. So off we went with the ute and trailer , hubby on the chainsaw and me on wood stacking duty.
In one hour, I managed to stack the entire ute tray and trailer ON MY OWN with all of the logs that hubby cut. I helped him lift 3 of the big ones that he couldn't handle, but the rest I did.

This is me, feeling pretty triumphant after my efforts. It's a pity I didn't wear my HRM whilst doing it (I had thought about it, but didn't). Next time I will for sure.

Later Sunday, we got out for another walk around and play with the kids outside. I'm really enjoying getting outside with the kids more now and I know it will only benefit all of us to spend lots more time outside in the fresh country air.

Monday we decided to have a picnic for lunch. So after doing a little housework, we took the kids and the dog to the local sports reserve where the kids played on the playground and I did some shooting practice for netball for a good 30 mins. Then we took off on our picnic down by the creek. The kids loved it.
Monday night was Strength training, which involved hurdles, kettlebells, sit ups and a few farmers carry's.
Yesterday morning I did a well over 1000 rep day with kettlebells, situps, and boxing with weights. I LOVE boxing so much and wish I could do more of it.


And that's a QUIET weekend. I am so proud of the fact that I get out and get into training all the time now. I have never had any huge problems with training. I've enjoyed exercise all of my life, but I let excuses get in the way. Now I make excuses for other things so I get to train as often as possible. How good is that?

I'm really starting to love myself a little too. I walk around with so much more confidence. I can go shopping and begin to imagine what it will be like to wear clothes from the 'normal' section. I've been buying clothes that I like that are on sale and are too small for me at the moment, to fit into in a few months. I've gone from a 26 (borderline 28) to a size 20 (and some size 18's) in just over 6 months. I've lost 33kgs. I've lost well over 1.5 metres of measurements off my body. I sleep better. I'm happier. Life is good and I can't wait to live the rest of it.

Bring on weigh in for next week!!! I should be in the 120's bracket very soon.

So, I've only lost one kilogram.....

Since week 1, I'm officially down 1kg (as of yesterday). One measly kilogram off my 132kg frame in 4 whole weeks. I didn't think I could go this badly!
Then last night, I did my measurements. Well, blow me down the results knocked me for 6! I wasn't expecting any losses, and was expecting gains in some areas but the opposite happened.
Apparently, (and I still don't believe my measuring tape!!) I've lost 38cms from my body in the last 4 weeks and 16cms off my waist!??!!! How is that possible?? I'm going to have to check and re check just so I can be sure, but WOW!
I remember reading about how some people would only drop small numbers, but would lose heaps of cms. I thought I'd be more likely to drop big numbers, than lose much measurements wise because I'm so large. I've apparently proven that theory wrong.

So, don't be discouraged when you don't see those scales move. Keep pushing on. Train hard, eat well. Your body shape is certainly changing. This is all the proof I need to keep me on the right track.


(oh, I was super naughty this morning and hopped on the scales. I'm down 1kg since yesterday morning... and hoping I can keep that 1kg off until next official weigh in!)

WIW

Weigh in Wednesday has arrived again. I used to really look forward to it, but lately I'm dreading it more.
Anyway, today I had a 300g loss. It's a loss and I have to be happy with that.
I have my monthlies here too.... joy of joys and I know I put on when they are around.

Just thought I'd pop in early. I've still got my measurements to do this week along with my fitness test.... I feel like I only did my fitness test a week ago!!

Kick some butt this week! I have 2 weeks to lose 2.5kgs to be under 130. I will visit and report on my progress as much as possible.

Train till you can train no more

So, the last 5 days I've trained my backside off. I had a week where I hung in limbo, not dong alot and playing the victim card but I'm back now baby!!
Bootcamp Sat - 550cals.
10km Fun Run Sun - 1162 cals (1hr 36m)
Monday - rest day (needed it after the run!)
Today (tuesday) - bootcamp morning 550cals, strength training night 500cals.

I'm sore, but I am loving EVERY second of it!
My eating, yeah still not where it should be.. BUT IT IS BETTER! I can't let myself feel too badly about that, because it's on the improve. Now to get back to my 3 litres of water a day, eating to 1200 cals and continuing the training (although I can't see that stopping anytime soon).

I am making a pact. In 2 weeks time, I will no longer be in the 130kg bracket. In 2 weeks time I will weigh 129.9kgs at the very most, and hopefully a lot less.
I've put it out there.... now it's time to make it happen. I KNOW I can do it, and I fricking WILL!

No, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, although it probably seems that way!
I've had a rough couple of weeks. My eating and training have not been where they should be and last week resulted in a 1.3kg gain. I sat and sulked for a while, until I finally got off my giant backside on the weekend and decided enough was enough.
I went to my bootcamp on Saturday and worked hard. I did a 10km fun run yesterday in 1 hour 36mins which I was pretty happy with. I'm feeling sore today but I am determined to go for at least a 5km walk tonight. Tomorrow is bootcamp in the morning and strength training tomorrow night.... yep I'm back in the training game.

The eating still is a work in progress. I'm not drinking enough water. I'm not keeping on top of things eating wise and it's showing on the scales. I NEED to start cracking that whip and stop letting myself down.

So, I'm back - yet again. here's hoping that I can make something out of the next 8 weeks.

It's been a humbling week.

Week 1 is still young (as we don't weigh in until Wednesday, which I dub my 'start of the 12wbt week'.
I've hit some major targets this week. I've done things I didn't think I'd do for quite some time yet, and I've exposed myself in the biggest possible way by showing pics of myself in my underwear - yep it's been a bit scary but also a bit awesome.

I am however, humbled with the response I've had. So many people using the word 'inspirational' to describe me. Me?! It's so nice to be thought of that way when 6 months ago I felt like I would never ever ever succeed at losing weight and I'd be resigned to being the Funny Fat Friend. The person who was always chirpy. 'Oh, you've got such a pretty face'. Horrendously unhappy, unhealthy and watching my life flash before my eyes.
You know, this blog started mainly for accountability. The first few weeks, I refused to give the address out. I didn't want anyone to find me. As I progressed, I opened myself up more and more and more.... and then found myself baring underwear shots to whomever would look at them! haha
I honestly never thought about this blog helping other people to begin with. It was a selfish act. I wanted it all written down to try and help ME. As I went on and saw other friends, accquaintances and even strangers who were struggling, who were trying to fight but feeling helpless, I decided to really open it up. I wanted to show people that it could be done. You don't have to hate yourself. You don't need to be helpless. There are people out there just like you who do it everyday. It's not your fate to be fat and die young.... YOU are the one who can control your future through your health.

I've always been a bit of a people person and I'm someone who's always wanting to help out where I can (if I can). I really enjoy trying to help others better themselves and I'm hoping once I've made it to the end of my journey and managed to keep all of this off for a while, that I'll be able to draw on my experiences and help others.

It's really important you have that support out there. I have no idea where I would be without all of my support. Family, friends, otehr 12wbters, my blog readers, my forum friends..... any person I've spoken with about my weightloss journey has helped me more than they will ever know. I truly don't know that I'd be any smaller than 163kgs right now if it weren't for my support network.

Yesterday, I went outside the square. On Saturday mornings I've organised a PT/bootcamp session at the local lake. It was through my sisters who were attending the more advanced 8.30am class. We started it last round and I just did not have the confidence or fitness level to even entertain the idea of completing this advanced bootcamp. I NEVER thought I'd be fit enough to attempt it. Yesterday, I did.
I did my 1km time trial when I first got to the lake at 7.30am. 8minutes and 3 seconds later I was done. My very first 1km time trial last round was approx 13 minutes. I was so stoked with my new time.... 8 minutes! WOW! I remember the first time I actually ran the entire 1km. I couldn't do it the first 2 times, but that time I did I was walking on clouds. I was so impressed. To have bettered my time is just amazing.After my 1km time trial, my pt/bootcamp session began at 7.45am. I have been inviting my local 12wbters to join me and every week I'd get 2-3 come along. Yesterday there was at least 12 of us. It was so exciting to see so many people come along and want to train along side me. The session went until 8.30am when the advanced session started. Blokes and chicks all decked out in their lycra fitness gear with bulging muscles..... it was SCARY!! But, I sucked it up and got on with it.
Sure, I was the slowest when running. I had no doubt that that would be the way it would go, BUT I made it through the entire session. I didn't stop. I did walk a few times.... I had just done a run and pt/bootcamp session directly before it, I figured I was allowed to.
I ended up burning 1200 calories all before 9.30am. Pretty chuffed with that. That is one of only a handful of times that I've actually done the SSS all in one go.

There is supposed to be a lesson in this story, but my Mum just called me halfway through posting.... so I'm lost! haha

Ah yes, You CAN do things that you've dreamed of. Anything is possible. You just have to put your mind to it.
Don't be afraid of failure. There is no such thing as failing if you get up and have a go.
And no matter how hard you fall off the weight loss wagon, the most important thing is how quickly you get back up again. We all have our bad days, heck I've munched on Bacon and cookies today!! But the difference is I will have a decent low cal dinner. I will drink lots of water. I will continue to train and I will work those extra calories off. I know where I've gone wrong and what to do to fix it.

Change your mindset, change your life. You CAN do this! Believe in yourself.

And thank you so so very much for all of your support. Here's to 2012 being the year of 50kgs down!

P.S. I'm being naughty and doing a Sunday blog hop this week (sorry Kate!). Check out all of these super inspiring other 12wbt blogs. Amazing people on an amazing journey.

xx

Do I, Don't I....

I've been struggling with this all day. Do I or Don't I post my before pic for this round and a comparison from last round, on my blog for the entire world to see?

My first thought? No fricking WAY!!! EVERYONE has access to it! It freaked me out to be honest. I have shared it in 2 private facebook groups I am a part of and gotten awesome comments, but I was still skeptical.

Then I sat down and really thought about it. I have to OWN it. This is what I look like. This is who I am currently. I can't hide from it. It doesn't matter if I'm wearing clothes, it can still be seen. Everyone knows that a woman at 131kgs is morbidly obese. Huge. Overweight. It's no surprise to anyone who reads this blog to see 'fat' pictures. So why hold back? Why don't I just show the pics and hopefully I can inspire and touch other people out there who are struggling. I can show people that it IS possible. You can be 163kgs+ and you CAN LOSE WEIGHT! You don't have to do anything crazy. No fad diets, no pills, and you don't HAVE to have surgery... it's not your only option. You can eat healthy, exercise and lose weight. It really is as easy as it sounds.

So, here I am in all of my glory. I've got a long way to go yes, but my body is changing. I hope that these pics can help you understand where I've been, where I am, where I'm going and most importantly,  that weightloss, health and fitness is achieveable for ANYONE of any shape, size, gender, nationality, race etc etc etc. YOU CAN DO IT! Take my word for it... because I've done it and I'm going to keep doing it.

These photos show a 20kg difference. 150.7kgs - 131kgs. I don't have any 163kg underwear shots (thank goodness for that, hey!!)

                                            Sepetember 2011                      February 2012
Granny undies are PERFECT for those of us with baby belly hangover. These are the same underwear in both shots.... amazing to think that they couldn't even stretch over my stomach back in September.

So here it is. This is me. I'm not perfect, but I'm on my way.
Bring on this round. These pictures I will use daily to inspire me. I am NOT the 163kg (or 150.7kg) person I was 6 months ago. THIS IS ME NOW. I've worked hard, but not THAT hard.
Eat clean, Train mean and wave goodbye to that saggy baggy belly once and for all. This is my goal. I know I can do it!

Day 1 done and dusted!

I feel so awesome too! I've drunk 3 litres of water, I've trained hard ( OMG I totally LOVE LOVE LOVE boxing!!!) and I've eaten really cleanly! I'm so proud of myself! It seemed like such a huge shift I had to make, but in reality it was VERY easy - must remember that in the coming weeks. EATING CLEAN AND TRAINING MEAN IS EASY!!! JFDI!

I'm just about to sit down to dinner.... quite late I know, but I've been busy busy busy tonight and went to a boxing class. Nearly 600 cals in 1 hour which I was pretty happy with.

This will be a short post. I've got SO much to do tonight before bed (although I'm so ready to head there now!) and then I have to get up pretty early tomorrow to get right back into it. I've got a PT session locked in for 9.30am after I drop my kinder boy at his bus then drive the 50+min drive into town to drop my little girl off to childcare for a few hours. I'm going to train hard with PT and then probably go for a bit of a walk and jog and possibly aim for 1000 cals tomorrow (because I can).

I hope everyone who is new to the game had a great first day and realised that they indeed DO have plenty of power when it comes to their eating and training and that they CAN do it!

Bring on Wednesday weigh in!!

xx

And here we go!!

Tomorrow it starts again! I'm getting a little more excited now. I'm looking forward to really being right back into the thick of it. I don't know what it is about the official start of the round that gets me excited or in the right head space, but gosh I'm glad I'm there!!
Today our local 12wbters got together for a meet and greet/catch up. I didn't have the most amazing thing on the menu, but it wasn't THAT bad and I compensated by dismissing my snacks and staying light for my other meals.
I'm so excited that our local group is so big this round! We've gone from around 18-20 members last round to 69 and counting this round and I cannot wait to draw inspiration from them all. It's so nice to have newbies as well as 12wbt old hands who have kicked some serious butt following the program. I love our group!

We had a bootcamp session yesterday morning and a couple of our girls were first timers. They said they enjoyed it (I hope they weren't just trying to make me feel better for conning them into coming!!) and look forward to coming back. I LOVE my sessions, and yesterdays was a really good one - BOXING. I ♥ boxing!! I'm feeling a tad sore in my arms today, but it's not really much at all although the new girls are having a few muscular 'issues' today.

Today I haven't trained, but that's mainly because I burnt 1800 cals yesterday and I'm so tired! I think to make up for it, I will get up early and go for a run. I said I was going to do it tonight, but hubs is in the shed. I may pull the cross trainer out and have a crack for a little while though.... we'll see.

Pumped. I'm ready - FINALLY! Bring on this round. I have a 15kg goal that I want to get to. If I work my backside off I could certainly get over 20kgs off, but 15 seems a pretty good number for me at this point in time.

My plans for the week are to make sure I burn at LEAST 500 cals a day, closer to 1000 if possible and to EAT CLEAN!! That's going to be my biggest hurdle but one I'm hoping to overcome.

I just said no to an ice cream - WIN!

Doing the BLOG HOP

So after my daily stalk of all things 12wbt blog-wise, I came across this on one of my fave 12wbt blogger's page - Ange - From F**ked To Fab who found the blog hop on Kate's blog here.
It's called the 12WBT Fitness Friday Blog Hop. It will run each Friday where All bloggers participating will post their blog for the day and then add the link and voila - you're connected to all the hoppers to share in our amazing journey's!

So here's my introduction to the 12WBT Blog Hop world:

I'm Nicky. I've had a problem with my weight most of my life, but not ever to the extent I found myself in 5 months ago. I finally worked out something needed to be done and since joining the 12wbt in Round 3 last year, I've managed to lose 30kgs. I've got at least 48 more to shed before I find my happy place and I'm planning on those coming off in 2012.
You can read more about me here and you can see some pictures of the progress here.

This round I've found the preseason really tough to get back into. The break over Christmas has really shaken me and although I've not gained weight, I've not lost any either. I'm needing to really focus on my training and especially my eating this round and I'm hoping that the opening of week 1 is going to do it for me. I have an ultra supportive husband and family right behind me and a tonne of amazing friends and fellow 12wbters and bloggers helping me see what I need to do and inspiring me to do it.

My plan for the end of this round, is to have shed at least 15kgs and be running 10kms straight. I admit from here, it's a HUGE ask but I KNOW I can do it if I just knuckle down and have a real crack.

So come and join in the fun and support that this blog hop is surely to create.
Blog Hop Linky List:

Onwards and upwards

I feel a little better today. I've trained the last 2 nights (and enjoyed it!) and I've been eating pretty well (apart from the cupcake samples when I was making them with the kids yesterday). I jumped on the scales this morning (yes, I am a dirty daily weigher!!!! ) and I'm down about 900 grams which makes me feel a little better. I need to keep myself on track for the rest of the week though and make sure I'm getting back into it again. Hubby said to me this morning that we need to train more as he has put on some of the weight he lost last year and he doesn't like it. I know I'll have his support now.
I think I also feel a little better because the program opened last night for week 1. I can follow the recipes and really feel like we're actually doing the 12wbt now. I don't understand it, but it's different.
So bring on the awesome eating today. Bring on a nice long run tonight (which I WILL do... NO EXCUSES!!) and bootcamp and tennis tomorrow along with more awesome eating. It's time to stop dwelling on the things that I feel aren't going right, and get out there and work hard to MAKE them right.

Bring it on.

Seriously...

Seriously Nicky, WAKE UP TO YOURSELF!!
It's not hard!! Eat well + Train hard = lose weight.
WHY are you giving yourself permission to NOT follow this simple equation? WHY are you allowing yourself to  stuff this up? You seriously cannot afford to do this to yourself. You CAN NOT GIVE UP!
Brush it off, get back into it and WORK YOUR ARSE OFF! It's not going to get any smaller on it's own.

OWN what you are putting into your mouth. You've got a Labrador puppy outside who eats like she's never going to eat again in her life - You don't need to follow her!!!!

WAKE UP TRAIN HARD EAT WELL. it's not hard. You KNOW you can do it, so stop holding yourself back and just GET ON WITH IT!


That feels a little better. Today's weigh in was me sitting at the same weight I have for 4 weeks. Yes, the exact same weight. Stupid isn't it? I've never plateaued before and I know why I am. I'm just very fricking lucky that I'm not gaining.

Fitter, Faster, Stronger

Monday. It's nice to see it again, although so far from the weekend still.
I feel better today. I got that last lot of crud out of my system. I burnt over 1700 cals on Saturday playing tennis and doing an early morning bootcamp session. That made me feel a lot better.
We went out for my sisters birthday and I ordered the small pumpkin risotto and avoided anything deep fried. I also skipped the birthday cake... my small bowl of risotto was well and truly enough.

I've spent the last day or so telling myself off. I've been giving myself permission to make excuses as to why I might fail this round. Giving myself permission to doubt myself. What the heck was that? I have no need for the 'd' word in my vocabulary any longer. I KNOW I can do this and I bloody well WILL!

I've started off today well. I've had my standard poached eggs breakfast and am aiming to drink 3 litres of water today, of which I'm 500mls down already (and I'd better get cracking!). I'm having my mushroom risotto for lunch and I think tonight will be a prawns and salad dish. Something nice and fresh and easy to prepare. I've then got strength training tonight and I'll be busting my chops until I hit that 500 cal mark.

It's a new week. I can start again. I give myself permission to rise from my weekend low point and seriously kick some calorie arse! NO MORE EXCUSES! It's now or never!! Remember what you pledged to yourself at the beginning of last round?
The time is now. I WILL be 20kgs lighter by the end of May 2012. I WILL drop the remaining 48kgs total by New Years Eve 2012.
Fitter, faster, stronger. There's no turning back now!

And the black clouds come rolling in....

I'm beginning to doubt myself... Big Time! I'm doubting that I'll actually ever be able to get to my goal. I'm doubting that I'll lose ANY more weight at all! I'm doubting my fitness, I'm doubting everything. It's a horrible place to be in, especially when I've done 30kgs fairly easily and I've got so many people watching my every move.
It's SCARY! I feel like I'm a disappointment because I haven't lost any weight in the last few weeks. I'm sitting in the same spot I have been since Christmas. I feel like I will NEVER get under 100kgs at this rate, let alone reach my goal.

Why do this to myself? I thought I'd come so far! I thought I'd gotten past all these 'demons' in my mind. JFDI and all that.

This round is going to be harder and it will be my ultimate test. If I don't make it through this round, I'm going to be a huge disappointment to so many people, including myself.
The stupid thing is, I KNOW I can do this. I've DONE it before!!!!! Why is my brain doing this to me now?
I hope something flicks into place on day 1. I really do. At the moment, I'm not liking my chances of a successful round 1.
I'm scared.

Bloating away....

Stupid AF (or TTOTM for those who know it as that).
Being a chick a fair amount of the time sucks, it really does. We have to deal with these monthly visits, the associated pain, the pain of childbirth, the pain of recovering from childbirth, the pain of easier weight gain and harder weight loss than our male counterparts.... need I go on?
AF make me bloat now. I'm not too bad today, I've been worse in the last few months. Before I started losing weight, I never noticed any bloating, nor did I notice the mood swings etc. I realised half way through last round that not only was my weight disgusting and my fitness levels poor, my hormones must have been severely affected. My body reacts in totally different ways now, now that I've lost nearly 1/5th of myself. It's really WEIRD! I thought I knew everything there was to know about myself, but I'm learning more and more as I go along.

It's interesting the changes.

Last night for the first time in 5 months, I was DREADING training. I wasn't looking forward to working out. I NEVER have that problem! Exercise is the one thing that I do not struggle with in my journey. I love it. Even the dirty lycra contraptions we are made to wear playing netball.... :S
I was close to giving training the flick last night, but I didn't. I applied the 10 minute rule and it got me through.
The 10 minute Rule: If you feel like you really don't want to train, get up and go for 10 minutes. If after those 10 minutes you really want to stop, then stop.
I found after 10 mins I was right into it and really keen to see out the rest of the training session.
I guess it's not just the idea of our netball training sessions being really tough at the moment ( LOTS of running - we are focused on fitness during this pre season). It's probably got more to do with the fact that I am the biggest player in the club. I was the last 2 seasons as well and it didn't worry me overly (of course I thought about it a lot), but this season quite a few of my club mates know that I've lost weight. I think about what they expect in terms of my fitness now. That they expect me still at 133kgs to be able to sprint with the best of them - I can't. I don't know that I ever will. I was never renowned for my speedy and agility, more for my skills and stamina. I KNOW that I've got so much more stamina and overall fitness than I did last season.... I do worry that no one can see that though.

If only I could keep myself busy long enough that I didn't even have a chance to think about these stupid things.

I did notice today that my blog has had 3,000 hits! Wow! I never thought about getting past 3! haha. It's not well written by any means, but it is everything that spews out of my head when I sit to type. It's raw, it's real and it's honest. I hope that people can appreciate how hard it is for me to release some of this to the public.
5 months ago there was no way in hell I EVER would have put my name to anything like this, let alone share it AND have pictures of myself on here!
There are those changes again. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I like to think that with each kg of weight lost, with each kg of fat removed from my body, I have the room to grow emotionally. To change as a person, for the better.

Get Cracking

I've finally caught up with my preseason tasks. I've been so busy with the wedding, the kids, a new puppy and my mindset just not quite being in the right place that I'd fallen behind. I'm now up to date.

They are not as confrontational this time. I guess because I've already blerted out to everyone how heavy I was, how much I've lost and how much more I want to lose. The kitchen task will kick my arse as I allowed too much of the shit into my house over Christmas and I'm still struggling to clear it all out. It will be good though.

I'm now on the eating properly train again. THANK GOODNESS! I've eaten reasonably well yesterday and so far today and I'm hoping I can continue it. I'm also outside ALOT now with the new puppy and the kids which is only going to be a huge benefit.

All is pretty well, although I cannot shake these feelings I am having. Feelings of doubt in myself. Feelings of failure. Very similar to when I started last round, just not as strong.
See I feel like I can be a little complacent at times with my eating and training. I've lost the 30kgs, I haven't put any of it back on... it wasn't anywhere near as hard as I expected, and then I tell myself that I can have more than the occasional treat, that I don't HAVE to train tonight. In actual fact, I do! I have to be tougher on myself to get right back into the swing of things. I have to train even harder to burn the calories. I have to work harder on every aspect now then I did before because of the complacency.

Just because you can smash one round and drop a huge amount doesn't mean you're ready to go it alone. There are still so many things wrong with my mindset and so many things I STILL have to learn. I have to do this for the rest of my life... this is not a quick fix. I need to stop expecting it to be one.

Having a bad day?

Having a bad day? Look no further than your favourite weight loss blog!
These blogs are amazing!! They lift me up when I'm feeling really low and doubting myself. To read the amazing stories of others who are sharing this journey with me and others who have gone before me, is SO motivating!! If you haven't really linked up with many people following the program, I advise that you do. This family is AMAZING! You can learn so much from them, share all your ups and downs with them, and help celebrate their achievements along with your own. And my number one tip? BRAG THE SHIT OUTTA YOURSELF!! Seriously, brag away!! If you've achieved something you never thought you'd do, lost an amount of weight you never thought you'd lose, anything that is brag worthy, DO NOT HOLD BACK!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this program. My mindset 99% of the time is in AWESOME mode. I'm not going to lie, I have my crappy days. I often feel like I'm the same size and weight that I was 30kgs ago. Yep, seriously. I can feel the clothes, I can see the differences in photos but my mind tends to block that out. I still haven't learnt to love myself which is really quite sad when you think about it.

WOMAN!! Look how far you've come!!! From being buggered after climbing one flight of stairs, to running 6.5kms straight! 2-3 clothing sizes down (although I always go back to those size 26's when I go shopping. :S). over 1 metre lost in measurements. SERIOUSLY!! This brain needs to catch up!

I guess when you've been the size and weight I have been, when you've hit the lows that I have and you haven't cared an ounce for yourself for at least 8 years, it's going to take a while to readjust your thinking. It didn't go from happy skinny Nicky to Angry, uncaring, depressed Nicky overnight.... it took years. Just as the weight did to pile on, it's going to take time to come off. It's going to take determination and EFFORT. You can't just sit there with a great big sooky la la, teenage angst mood and blame the world, you have to GET OFF YOUR ARSE, EAT RIGHT AND TRAIN HARD!!
There are NO magical cures. If there was you wouldn't be where you are now. There are no EASY ways, no shortcuts. You have to DO the work to get the RESULTS!

Why has it taken me nearly 10 years to realise all of this? How does one little program change nearly everything in my head? It's like a switch has been flicked and we're in awesome, kick ass mode. Love it!

I can't take all the credit and I can't give ALL of the credit to the program itself.... the support from those around me and those I have met through the program has been my saviour. I started last round thinking "I can't lose the weight. I'll have a crack, but I bet by the third week I'll be scoffing all the same shit again". I have never thought myself to be someone who can actually FINISH something. Ever since I gave Uni away when I was 18, I've been a quitter. Things get too hard, I quit. Things upset me too much, I quit.

Not anymore!!

This break over the holiday period hasn't done me too many favours on the weight loss side of things, but it has shown me that I need to be on top of things ALL of the time. I can't go gung ho for a week, then have 2 weeks off and expect it not to affect me. I have my sisters wedding this weekend and I've pretty much written this week off. I'm not training due to the hip (hobbling down the isle like peg leg Pete is not really ideal in a maxi dress.... ), but I'm concentrating more on the food side of things. The food is where I go wrong everytime and I need to harness that. That inner labrador as Mish says. She's been getting her way for a few weeks now, but not any longer. Once this weeding has been celebrated (and I'll be celebrating the HECK out of it! haha), I'll be  back on weight loss highway, going south.

The perils of sick children and being totally disorganised...

So last week I wasn't well. I had an infection which thankfully, some strong AB's fixed. A few days of not being able to eat, shivering, sweating etc... not my idea of fun.
Anyway, I'm back in the training this week and enjoying every moment of it. It's those moments that I'm not training that have been tough. Two unhappy, very sick toddlers. GASTRO. ARGH!!!!!
It's not been the most enjoyable week. My daughter started having symptoms last Monday afternoon and then my Son started on Wednesday. Thankfully, today has been vomit free and I have enough towels again after the billionth load this week.
What the past 2 weeks have taught me, is BE ORGANISED!! Being the 'off season' I have to plan my own meals and since being ill myself, I've not done that. This is how the shit creeps in. If you don't plan, it quickly turns south on you.
So I'm struggling with my eating at the moment. The training is really coming together although I seem to have an overuse injury to my hip, but nothing a bit of voltaren can't help during each session.
I NEED to eat better. I NEED to clear the house of the shit that my husband and friends have dragged in over the festive season. I HAVE to do this for myself. It wasn't that hard last round.... why am I struggling so much now?

Time to screw that head on. Time to tackle the excuses task. Funnily enough, the reason I haven't done it sounds a bit like a piss poor excuse as it is - I want to have plenty of time to sit and think and REALLY get into the nitty gritty of my excuses. I WANT this to REALLY push buttons and flick switches. Time is something I don't have a lot of with two sick toddlers, but I'll find it and it WILL be done by the end of the day this Sunday.

Bring on week 1 already though!! Looking forward to it.

It's training again!

So it's no secret that my training sort of, died off over the Christmas Break. I hit a massive high with the completion of my first ever fun run.... a whole 15kms. Technically I didn't run the whole way, but the first 6.5kms of that fun run were mine and I conquered them. I was unsure of how I would go with the rest of the 15kms so decided to walk to make sure I made it.... which I did. I was so pleased with myself and was at the fittest I had been in years. Then came Christmas. All the PT sessions stopped for a few weeks, classes stopped, things took time off and here I was at home with tonnes of food and no real motivation to get out there.

I regret that now. I wish I had have trained harder and more often. I missed it like MAD!! My fitness has definitely suffered, but I know I can get back there again... and soon!
Last night was my first PT session for 2012. A double session and I LOVED it! It was hard and 4 weeks ago it would have been a session that didn't cause me too much grief, but having the time off has stuffed my fitness so I went as hard as I could and JFDI. I felt FANTASTIC afterwards. I had totally forgotten about that endorphin rush!
Tonight is my first netball training for the 2012 season. We have a new coach who knows nothing of my previous fitness levels, nothing of my 30kg weight loss. She will most likely see me as a very overweight, unfit chick attempting to keep up with everyone. I'm not silly, I know that I will struggle. While I've certainly gotten a hell of a lot fitter I'm still not up near the skinnies that play for our club. It will be at least 12 months before I get where they are. I'm hoping that it doesn't have too much of an affect on how this new coach views me and I hope she can see some skill behind the lycra. Time will tell.

As for everything else, I've managed to maintain my 30kg loss even with my sister's hens day and night and a couple of chip binge sessions. The way I eat and drink has certainly changed and it gives me hope that I will be able to live a full, happy, crappy food included on occasions life in the future.

50 weeks to lose 48 kgs. I'm going to do it!



ETA: Netball training completed. I didn't die which in itself is a miracle.
688 cals burnt in 58 mins. Avg HR 170. Max HR 197.... I was going hard. Still a way to go to keep up with all the skinny bitches, but I'm not too far behind. :)

Preseason and the 30kgs

Well, today is day one of preseason for round 1 of the 12wbt, 2012. WOW that's come around fast! I haven't been overly excited about this round beginning... I guess because I've been there and done it. I know what to expect and best of all, I KNOW I can do this! Today though, I'm a little excited. I'm excited that it's starting again. There seems to be a bit of a switch flick on when we get to an official starting point and I class today as one of those starting points. I have already planned my meals for the day and my training for tonight when the buster gets home from work. I cannot WAIT to get outside in the fresh air and go for a walk and a jog. Bring it on!

As for everything else, I hit that 30kgs goal last week. YES I HAVE LOST 30KGS!!!!!!! WOW!!!!!!
I read the first post I ever made in this blog and it really opens my eyes to just how far I've come. Not only how much weight I've lost, but that mindset change. It's almost like there's a different voice in my head these days. One that is looking out for me and wants the best for me. One that is positive and PROUD or me. I'm really enjoying the way I'm feeling and thinking.

And check out all my new followers! WOW! I'm honoured to share my journey with you all and I hope that it helps you in some way, even if it is just a bit of a chuckle here and there.

ROUND 1 for me begins TODAY!

My first illness since starting... I blame it on a lack of exercise and crap food choices.

Seriously. I didn't get sick ONCE between August 15th and Last Saturday. Today I'm feeling like absolute crap on toast and have done since Sunday. I've got some important events coming up in the coming weeks that I CANNOT afford to be sick for, so it's off to a doc for me. I just hope they can give me SOMETHING that will help. I feel horrid! My Temp is pushing 40degrees once the panadol/nurofen wears off and I'm barely eating a thing.
On the slightly plus side, I do weigh nearly 1.5kgs less than my lowest weight from last round. I know once I start eating again it will all come back on, but it's nice to be only 1kg away from that 30kg goal :)

Numbers

So, I've been playing with some numbers.
My ultimate goal is to lose 50kgs by August 15th. That's 222 days. That's just under 7kgs a month (approx 6.8kgs). That's approx 1.7kgs a week.
It's doable.... but boy that will be tough. I may need to reassess my timeline that I lose my 50kgs in. Perhaps I will leave it for now as motivation..... or maybe I will change my time line to December 31st.
Which will mean 360 days from now. Approximately 4.1kgs a month. Approx 1kg a week. I can certainly do this.

Either way, by December 31st, 2012 50kgs will be gone from my body FOR GOOD!

Holy cow! That's given me one giant headache!

I'm Back!!!
No I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. A couple of days after my last post, my computer packed it in and I've been computer-less until 1 hour ago. I didn't realise just how much my online support network meant to me though and I've managed to gain approx 2kgs since my final weigh in. I'm not going to let myself dwell on the gain.... life happens and I'm just going to get my arse right back into it again.

So I ended last round with a 27.5kgs loss total (from day 1 of preseason). My aim this round is to lose at least 20kgs from preseason until the end of the round and I WILL be attending the finale party in May (??). I cannot WAIT!! and I'd ideally love to be under the 100kg mark by then, but close enough will be good enough.

So much to talk about, so little time. I will be back very shortly but wanted to touch base and let you know that I haven't left. I've thought about this blog daily ever since my computer died and I will not be giving it up for quite some time yet!