Thursday, March 20, 2014


So, you know how we all have lives? We go through many ups and downs. We all have our stressors. We all have our own ways of coping when things get tough. Some of us are better at staying on the straight and narrow than others. Some of us are just born to kick arse and kick it easily whilst others are born to struggle through, fighting for every breath. Sometimes we feel like we're drowning. Sometimes we feel like no one will help us. Sometimes we won't even help ourselves!

This is where I've been.

 In 'I-couldn't-give-two-fricking-hoots-about-myself'-ville.

I've been too busy worrying about other people - family, friends, random strangers who I feel like I need to impress. I've stuffed up. I admit it. I gave up. It was all too hard. "I'm always going to be disgustingly fat so what's the point?"
Yep, that's where Ive been. Doubting myself. Not looking after myself. Shovelling in anything that makes me feel better about myself. Who was I kidding? As if food has some sort of magical power to make me a better person.
The more I've pushed my own well being aside, the more unhappy and unhealthy I've become.

I went and saw my GP this week. That in itself is not something I normally do. I usually sit back and wait until something becomes too unbearable before I give in.  I spoke to my GP about many things, including my weight. Cue horrible, horrible donkey-sounding, gasping water works. We discussed me undergoing weight loss surgery. WLS is something I've been looking into since before my very first round of 12wbt. It scared the shit out of me back then. I got to the point where I have seriously been considering it. Some amazing friends are undergoing incredible transformations due to WLS. Honestly - I'm jealous. I want that to be me.

For some stupid reason WLS seems an easy road when you don't dig very deep in to what it involves.  I know just how incredibly tough it is after hearing from friends and acquaintances what they have to go through. These are amazing people! I'm so proud of them.
Anyway, it was decided by my GP (realistically, it was my decision. I think I was looking for an out) that I try the diet and exercise route after absolutely smashing it last time. I mean, 40kgs lost is no mean feat! And it really wasn't THAT hard.
At the time of the appointment I was heartbroken. I felt like my life was going to end. I was destined to be THIS for the rest of my life. Those old demons came up.

But then, something must have happened. It felt like a light going on.
Instead of heading for the nearest takeaway shop, I went and bought some new workout clothes. Instead of gorging on chocolate, I high tailed it to the nearest salad bar for lunch. My grocery shopping adventure saw much more greenery and much less crappery. I was so upset, but I was doing all the right things. It was happening without even a second thought. Automatically. Hang on, maybe I CAN do this!

I feel more ready to take this on than I have since I lost the initial 40kgs. I know how much hard work goes into it. How to eat and drink. How to react when shiz go cray-cray. I know what to expect.

So here I am. I've signed up for the 12wbt move program. I'm determined to follow the nutrition plan more closely this time. Training is not an issue for me as I'm still quite heavily involved (pardon the pun) in several group activities, but I'm making time to fit more in.

It's time to walk the talk. Do the hard yards and reap the rewards. I want to be here in 10 years, in 20. I want to see grand kids and even great grand kids. I want to be able to do anything I want to and not be held back by my weight any longer. It's time.

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