It's almost over!!

I cannot believe how quick these last 15 odd weeks have flown! It's amazing to think that I am still here... this far into the 12wbt, still going, STILL training and eating well... STILL losing weight!

I started this round having no huge expectations. Certainly not expecting to lose much in the way of weight. I had no idea if I'd stick to the meals, or if I'd even like anything. Healthy food to me has always been tasteless crap... as if I was going to like it.
My Mum (god love her) grabbed the crunchtime Cookbook and Crunchtime Book for me in the first week of preseason and I immediately read the entire crunchtime book that very first night. I think the very first page had me nodding in agreeance... it was like someone had been interviewing me about what goes through my head and what struggles I face. I felt understood, and I felt stupid for feeling understood - it was a Book for goodness sakes!!
Having not weighed myself in quite some time (over 152kgs at a GP appointment in May), and having fooled myself into thinking that the anti depressants I'd been on had caused me to LOSE weight (I was so far in denial it wasn't funny), I was absolutely SHOCKED when I came across the numbers on the screen. I remember bawling my eyes out in my bedroom, away from my family. It was the most gut wreching feeling I've ever had. I'd been fooling myself for years that even though I was fat... I was still happy. PPFFTT!!! What an absolute crock of shit! I was dying!! I was very bloody lucky I hadn't succumbed to diabetes, or some other fat person disease. I was constantly tired and drained, I just felt like crap on toast all of the time. I was angry with my whole family.  I thought I was doing enough by playing netball every Saturday and doing 1 50minute strength training class.... gosh the cals I burnt in those wouldn't have even made a dent in one meals worth of cals. I was certainly kidding myself.

My whole life came to a giant halt after I was diagnosed with depression early this year. I knew a fair amount of it was situational - we had been living on an isolated property for 3 years. No neighbours. No garbage collection. I had to do about a 5-6km round trip driving to get the mail! It was a horrible house that I absolutely hated. Everything about my life out there I hated. The change finally came when we moved.
I now lived 20minutes closer to town (we're still out of town, but this house and this area are awesome and I love it here). I'd been having counselling sessions and my counsellor was great. After the initial session, we concentrated more on my weight. How did I get here? Why wouldn't I help myself? What was holding me back? It was just what I needed to get this whole idea planted in my brain.

I starting researching things online. As I've mentioned before, I've tried the shake diets, I've tried weight watchers I've tried numerous things and I could never stick it out more than a week. I was not in the right frame of mind... I wasn't ready to tackle it. I came across several weight loss surgery websites and decided that I must just be one of those people who cannot control their weight without surgery. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't prepared to eat crappy diet food. I was going the wrong way about it all.
I spoke to hubby who immediately quashed any ideas of surgery. I cried again, believing that he was taking away all of my options. I know he just didn't believe in surgery and he couldn't risk anything happening to me.... he loves me far too much. I was left in limbo land for a few weeks, trying to decide what my purpose was in life and how I was going to spend my last 10-20 years..... WHO THE HELL THINKS LIKE THAT WHEN THEY ARE 27???!!!!! I stopped my meds (mainly on my own) in June when we moved house. The move made me feel immediately clearer and I knew that NOW was finally the time to tackle it.

I'm a member of several parenting forums (yep... a giant big internet geek!! haha), and I'd mentioned on one that I was desperate to lose weight. I had no idea where to start, where to turn. Then, a fantastic lady who is such an inspiration had mentioned how she was about to begin the 12wbt and that maybe I should join. My interest was piqued and I started researching, reading the facebook page and going through all of the amazing photos and stories on there. I was HOOKED! People MY SIZE had managed to lose a tonne of weight. I know now that this program and journey was not just about losing weight, but about gaining life, but back then it was all about the weight.

I bit the bullet and signed up the week before preseason was to begin. I ummed and ahhed a few times, but I figured it was only $200... I spend that on shit normally I may aswell attempt to try and fix my life. It was not going to be wasted money even when I did fail.

I am a member of the most amazing FB group and together we all started sharing our goals for the 12 weeks. My goal for preseason and the 12 weeks was 12kgs lost total. I thought that was going to be a stretch, but I wanted to challenge myself.

Well, bugger me if the first week I didn't love the food! It was fantastic! I was so proud of myself for eating healthily and saying no to the shit. I finally had an inner voice that was on my side.

By the first day of round 1, I'd managed to lose 12.3kgs!!! OMG!! I could not believe it! I'd gone from 163kgs down to 150.7kgs. It DID work. I started believing that I could actually do this!
As the round went on I went from strength to strength. I had my ups and downs, but I've always gotten right back into it. My determination to finally succeed at something pushed me to better myself daily. I'd gone from week 1's 1km time trial having to walk the entire 1km in over 12 minutes. By week 8 I'd run all but about 50 metres in just over 9 minutes. I can now run 8 minutes non stop (and I reckon I can push myself further) and this Saturrday morning when I do my time trial I WILL run the WHOLE 1 KM!  I am determined to do it in under 9 minutes.

I train hard at least 6 days a week. I ENJOY it! I have so much fun... my 2 different PT's are amazing and I owe them so so much. I move better. I feel better.

I've lost approx 3 dress sizes, going from a 26 down to a 20. I actually fit into nicer clothes... I'm no longer stuffing myself in size 24's because "there is NO WAY I'm a size 26!!!).

I kick my own ass! I go for my runs and tell myself out loud "you can do it!! Just a little bit further!".

People are constantly commenting on my weight loss. I've gone from the 160's, through the 150's and the 140's and now I'm nearly halfway through the 130's. That's 4 DECADES of weight loss!

I've met amazing people. I've been inspired and apparently, I inspire.

I finally can see myself down near goal. I can see myself under 100kgs. I can see myself in a size 14 again. I can see myself running 10 kms NON STOP!

I can see the happiness in my husbands face. The cheers from my beautiful kids. The proudness in my parents eyes... I know they've wanted this for me for so long. My sisters are so unbelievably supportive and I love them more than they know for what they've done for me. The support from other family and friends. My PT's for just being AMAZING, especially Rae who has been here where I have. She's not afraid to tell me like it is, she knows my limits, she knows how to push me and she's just such an awesome friend and such an inspirational person herself. My forum buddies who have been through this with me from day one. Through my ups and downs, listening to my bragging all the time (sorry ladies!!!! ). They've spurred me on and encouraged me.

This morning I stood on the scales happy in the knowledge that even if they don't come up with a number that makes me happy, I have achieved so much. I can run!! I bust my ass training. I work hard. I eat well and I am HAPPY! It doesn't matter really how long it takes me to get this weight off, as long as it comes off. To think about where I was just over  months ago is so scary. To think about where I am today and what I've done to get here... I finally LOVE myself for it. I've not loved myself for a very long time and I'm going to embrace and nurture this feeling.... this is certainly not the end just yet.

So I made it. Week 12! 26.1kgs down (so far). AMAZING! I've done some pretty awesome things this round and gosh I hope that just one person reads my blog and gains some sort of inspiration for themselves from it. I want other people who are where I was, to know that it CAN BE DONE! IT CAN! Don't doubt yourself! I was one of those doubters for so many years.....
My reward for lasting the 12 weeks is not a block of chocolate. Not a meal out at my favourite restaurant. Nothing food based at all. My reward for my hard work is MORE HARD WORK! I'm going to do my 1km time trial Saturday morning before my PT session, followed by my very first spin class, followed by my very first pump class. I want to do something that's out of my comfort zone. I know it will be a hard slog, and I'm prepared for the hurt. I cannot WAIT to tackle it though. Heck, I've lost 26.1kgs... I CAN DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!